time.

it's time. 
time i write. 
or maybe find myself. 
again. 

it's it funny. 
how we can find who we are. 
only to lose it again. 

to feel dead. 
inside. 

the darkness creeps in. 
but not that sad kind. 
the familiar kind. 

soul crying. 
longing. 
rebirth. 

maybe we never really knew. 
who we were. 
or who we we were meant to be. 

a life...

how do you summarize a life

a feeling

the pain

i have tried to put into words the impact that you had on my life

words just do not do justice

but i do know a few things

i miss you every moment of every single day

you left a huge hole in my life

in my heart

i wish i could have saved you

the way you saved me – so very many times

even just once

you touched every life that you walked into

with such light - even when it was so dark for you

you gave me hope – and peace

you are with me

in my heart

mind

soul

until we meet again

i will carry you in my heart d

always

d...

i miss you. 

your smile. 

smirk. laugh. 

my heart hurts. 

eyes burn. 

thoughts race. 

you left me. 

alone. 

without a goodbye. 

i carry you in my heart. 

one day. one moment. at a time. 

always .

this thing.

there is this thing within me.

it makes me think of you.

miss you.

silent. 

still.

dreams come. 

go.

memories fade.

you remain.

constant.

in me.

part of me.

i hate. 

to love you. 

yet. 

long to have you. 

forever the one.

i turn to.

always in me. 

with me. 

my control. 

you alone are mine. 

i am yours. 

forever. 

the right kind of wrong...

we are so perfect…and so wrong for one another

i like the idea of “us”

in fact i kind of love it

maybe that is the issue…

in so many ways i think we are what the other needs

but is it possible to have too much passion?

not just the bedroom kind – but the life kind…

you asked if i know how much you like me

i don’t...

or perhaps i do and don’t trust it

not that i don’t trust you

but more that it would stay that way

that much – forever

i can’t begin to explain the confusion in me

i always know – what i feel, what i want

you changed it.

all of it.

i am strong – unemotional

you could make me cry

i like you – i dare say i would fall in love with you…quickly

we have too much in common

we would kill each other

we have too much passion

you would feed my crazy

we would be perfect lovers & friends

we would never be comfortable –

we are like fire and gasoline…

we had a moment – but we didn’t know what to do with it

but i don’t think it has passed

i think it needs time – the right time

and i don’t know if that we tried now it would work

but i do want to try…

i am afraid that it will fade though

and you will change your mind

about me…us

i feel like i need to date him

not because i think it will work

but because i need to know it won’t

i think he needs that as well…

it’s not fair – i know

but i know that is what i need to do

i am not going to ask you to wait for me

because that’s not fair…or right

and i don’t want to know about your “girls”

because it hurts…

but i do think we will have our time…

and i think both of our lives will change as a result

and we will want to come home to each other

and i will probably spill on your  couches too often

and we will have more passion & love then most people dream about

but it needs to be at the right time…

as much as we both want it to be now

i don’t think either of us is ready…

and we would mess it up

i’m not really sure what i am saying…

but i guess i am saying…i like you…

a lot…

you terrify me... 

3 years...

it really is crazy how fast time goes by...

three years ago today i was proposed to  

by an amazing man

i feel so blessed to have had him in my life

even if it was for a short period of time

i wasn't engaged for long

in fact it was only about 3 weeks

this date has not bothered me the previous 2 years

but this year...

it is such a strange feeling

i feel....sad

not in missing him

or even wishing i would have stayed

i want to be married 

i want nothing more in the world than to have a family

eliminate the insane schedule that i try to keep

i want simple life

to take care of someone

let them take care of me

perhaps it is the fear of rejection that keeps me from getting that close

knowing that they could hurt me

leave

break me

how is it that people can just let go

meet - fall - marry

i honestly don't get it

i have incredible friends

and loves...

i am blessed

and happy...

i guess what it comes down to is

i am ready for the next stage...

if i can let go...

let it happen

falling...

falling in love

it sounds so simple

effortless

the simple story of boy meets girl...

but life is never simple

boy meets girl

girl falls

boy pretends

girl try's to hold on

boy lets go

girl try's harder

boy leaves

girl cries

boy moves on

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