time.

it's time. 
time i write. 
or maybe find myself. 
again. 

it's it funny. 
how we can find who we are. 
only to lose it again. 

to feel dead. 
inside. 

the darkness creeps in. 
but not that sad kind. 
the familiar kind. 

soul crying. 
longing. 
rebirth. 

maybe we never really knew. 
who we were. 
or who we we were meant to be. 

a life...

how do you summarize a life

a feeling

the pain

i have tried to put into words the impact that you had on my life

words just do not do justice

but i do know a few things

i miss you every moment of every single day

you left a huge hole in my life

in my heart

i wish i could have saved you

the way you saved me – so very many times

even just once

you touched every life that you walked into

with such light - even when it was so dark for you

you gave me hope – and peace

you are with me

in my heart

mind

soul

until we meet again

i will carry you in my heart d

always

d...

i miss you. 

your smile. 

smirk. laugh. 

my heart hurts. 

eyes burn. 

thoughts race. 

you left me. 

alone. 

without a goodbye. 

i carry you in my heart. 

one day. one moment. at a time. 

always .

this thing.

there is this thing within me.

it makes me think of you.

miss you.

silent. 

still.

dreams come. 

go.

memories fade.

you remain.

constant.

in me.

part of me.

i hate. 

to love you. 

yet. 

long to have you. 

forever the one.

i turn to.

always in me. 

with me. 

my control. 

you alone are mine. 

i am yours. 

forever. 

the right kind of wrong...

we are so perfect…and so wrong for one another

i like the idea of “us”

in fact i kind of love it

maybe that is the issue…

in so many ways i think we are what the other needs

but is it possible to have too much passion?

not just the bedroom kind – but the life kind…

you asked if i know how much you like me

i don’t...

or perhaps i do and don’t trust it

not that i don’t trust you

but more that it would stay that way

that much – forever

i can’t begin to explain the confusion in me

i always know – what i feel, what i want

you changed it.

all of it.

i am strong – unemotional

you could make me cry

i like you – i dare say i would fall in love with you…quickly

we have too much in common

we would kill each other

we have too much passion

you would feed my crazy

we would be perfect lovers & friends

we would never be comfortable –

we are like fire and gasoline…

we had a moment – but we didn’t know what to do with it

but i don’t think it has passed

i think it needs time – the right time

and i don’t know if that we tried now it would work

but i do want to try…

i am afraid that it will fade though

and you will change your mind

about me…us

i feel like i need to date him

not because i think it will work

but because i need to know it won’t

i think he needs that as well…

it’s not fair – i know

but i know that is what i need to do

i am not going to ask you to wait for me

because that’s not fair…or right

and i don’t want to know about your “girls”

because it hurts…

but i do think we will have our time…

and i think both of our lives will change as a result

and we will want to come home to each other

and i will probably spill on your  couches too often

and we will have more passion & love then most people dream about

but it needs to be at the right time…

as much as we both want it to be now

i don’t think either of us is ready…

and we would mess it up

i’m not really sure what i am saying…

but i guess i am saying…i like you…

a lot…

you terrify me... 

3 years...

it really is crazy how fast time goes by...

three years ago today i was proposed to  

by an amazing man

i feel so blessed to have had him in my life

even if it was for a short period of time

i wasn't engaged for long

in fact it was only about 3 weeks

this date has not bothered me the previous 2 years

but this year...

it is such a strange feeling

i feel....sad

not in missing him

or even wishing i would have stayed

i want to be married 

i want nothing more in the world than to have a family

eliminate the insane schedule that i try to keep

i want simple life

to take care of someone

let them take care of me

perhaps it is the fear of rejection that keeps me from getting that close

knowing that they could hurt me

leave

break me

how is it that people can just let go

meet - fall - marry

i honestly don't get it

i have incredible friends

and loves...

i am blessed

and happy...

i guess what it comes down to is

i am ready for the next stage...

if i can let go...

let it happen

falling...

falling in love

it sounds so simple

effortless

the simple story of boy meets girl...

but life is never simple

boy meets girl

girl falls

boy pretends

girl try's to hold on

boy lets go

girl try's harder

boy leaves

girl cries

boy moves on

.  .  .  .  .  .  .

trust...

“you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.” 

 - Marilyn Monroe

I love the meaning that you can find in a few simple words. 

Trust. 

What does it really mean?

It will change from one moment to the next. 

Others will disappoint you. 

Let you down.

Break your heart. 

Betray you. 

Unknowingly - Unintentionally 

Trust.

It's believing in yourself. 

It's trusting in God. 

That when it all does fall apart. 

And you are left broken. 

That you will be okay. 

year...

i have this voice of passion within me

that will not be silenced

it fights for something more

more life

more love

more heart

it wants to feel all the bad

the dirty and ugly

the part we hide…even from ourselves

it yearns to document them

see them

hold them close

and feel them

become part of them

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

i thrive capturing emotion

passion

moments

my goal for this year  

to see it

in natural form

the dark grit

the photographs that make you feel

i want emotion

i want to feel it

i want pain, joy, confusion, clarity

i want it all

in life we have highs

and lows

 moments that are perfect

more that aren't

 put our hearts in

attempt to take them out

 get hurt

 hurt others

 show our strength

hide our weakness

put up walls

hide tears

 say one thing

but  mean another

show our worst

hoping they deserve our best

all it takes is for one

to prove it all wrong

to stay

to fight

live...

a couple weeks ago we buried my cousin

she was 24...

sometimes life is far too short

sometimes life is too painful 

no parent should bury their child

especially a child so young...

my heart aches for my uncle

i cry thinking of his pain...

life is short

we really should learn to live while we can... 

a season of change...

there are a few major things that are going to be changing in my life.

i recently have found foot zoning....

go ahead shake your head, think i'm nuts

it works....

i have:

 healed

realized

found peace

felt anger

relaxed

centered

i am a happy person -

but i have lost my joy

my passion

pleasure...

so a few things are going to change...

i will write more - for me

i will shoot more - of my vision

i will spend time - with myself

i will open my heart - to love

i will go back - to something that scares me

i will stand up for me - no matter what

i will not feel weak - physically, emotionally, spiritually

i will value - myself

"adversity is like a strong wind, it tares from us all of the things that can not be torn. so that we see ourselves as we really are." -- Arthur Golden

unspoken...

raw, ugly, terrifying thoughts

facing a truth, for so long hidden

buried under smiles, laughs, pretty words…

a pain so deep, a cut that never heals

anger masked with pretend forgiveness

emotional scars, words unspoken…

truth hidden beneath makeup

an act perfectly portrayed

smiles and laughter unbroken…

lies, untruths weaved tightly

distorting, destroying worth
 let it go…

truth....

sometimes when we ask a person for the truth we aren't fully prepared for the answer...

when i date someone i ask a lot of random questions

request random bits of information

like what you ask....

"tell me something you normally wouldn't tell me"

and most of the time i am prepared for an answer such as

"i like you more than you think i do"

or

"i once _______"

but generally i do not expect them to tell me about myself

things about myself that i don't even admit...

this is what i got:

"um...i think you are very insecure, but that can be fixed

i think there is a lot you need to let go of in order for you

to actually be happy, because i don't really think you are right now"

happiness is relative - i am happy

but i think he was speaking more in regards to relationships

which i agree

i bond myself to emotionally unavailable men

i see an end - and therefore it is safe

i fill a need they have - and in return i feel wanted

i avoid commitment - or potential of commitment

even though that is what i want...

maybe i just want someone to fight & prove

to make me feel worth it...

or that they actually do want all of me - not just part

i need them to give in - before i think i can

i need to know they are in it...

that it is really all of me that they want

or maybe i need to just let go...

no control

no sensor

just pure emotion...just me

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”
― Sylvia Plath,

words...

sometimes the words will just not come

i look for my thoughts through others words

and wish i could express myself as they do

my love passion obsession lately has been

miss sylvia plath...

she can stir an emotion with a simple sentence

a maze of words that is so simple

so perfect...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything,

it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”

 

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”

 

“I have taken a pill to kill
The thin
Papery feeling.”

 

“I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still”

once upon a time...

i feel like i have so much swimming through my brain

but nothing all at the same time

so this may be a bit all over the place

and perhaps a bit of a rant...

do people believe in true love anymore

in a fairytale...

does that idea of a true love still exists

why are we so okay with a partial love

filling in the gaps with other things

other people... 

once upon a time...

it exists

happily ever after...

i'm not so sure about that part

but to make it through 

you have to believe

in prince charming & white horses

because without it -- it all becomes hopeless

and simply the idea is enough...

faking it...

this last weekend i had an amazing time

there are few times i really let go

living in the moment

letting my emotions be free

few people can truly bring this out in me

my best friend

my wife

a few lovers

my puppies

baby

most times i will only be free when i trust

but once and awhile it's risk

but one i am willing to take

it is usually not worth it

but i have learned to recover quickly...

i took a risk

i had fun

a lot of it

my heart is fine

i think it is numb

and some part of me likes that

i don't want to hurt....again

 i think it would be easier to fake it

all of it

happiness

love

passion

emotion

don't get me wrong...

i am happy...alone

with me

my life

my wife

my friends

the simple life

i do what i want

when i want

with who i want

but something is missing...

my fairytale....

my once upon a time....

and i don't think it exists

but i will still wait

holding on to hope

because without hope

faith

we have nothing...

 and hopefully there will come a time 

when i won't be let down

brushed aside

 they will hold on with all they have

because i am not worth losing

they will chose to stay

and we won't be faking it... 

"and they loved with a love that was more than love" -- Edger Allen Poe

love in a box...

 

it's easy to see how everything is loosely
put into a box to describe how
well it is working
but can you tell me
how did she knock me off of my feet
when she said hello
my name is beautiful
i said excuse me miss but it's time for me to hit the floor

and now this dancing has turned to falling
words can't do justice to this girl i know

and it's those deep breaths that get me through the times
she's standing next to me
she's nothing short of lovely
does she notice that i can't breathe
everything around me is getting hazy

i'll loosen up my tie
no use in being shy

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

under this moonlight
i can see the mystery behind your eyes
with every taste girl, well i delight in you
and yet this distance
that separates my hand from yours
can only make me appreciate your heart
i adore you

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

quiet now, she's fast asleep
and to my arm she's clinging
you're mine girl
and my heart is yours

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

life...

"My life didn't please me, so I created my life."  - Coco Chanel

i have never understood those that are not happy 

with something, someone

and are not willing to change the circumstance  

if i am not happy 

i change 

move on

progress

i create happiness

strive for contentment

and live for myself

if there is anything i have learned in the last 2 years

it's that no one can make you happy

but happiness is within your own soul

chose to be happy

live and love with reckless abandon

be true to yourself

pain fades

friends come and go

relationships end

but if you love yourself

i promise you'll make it through

no matter the darkness -- light will come

and the light -- it always wins...

so hold on

because it gets better

always...

crazy...

i have said many times that girls are crazy

but this week -- i feel completely insane

i want to crawl out of my skin

and totally lose it

scream at the top of my lungs because i feel like it

cry over nothing and everything all at once

i'm ready to just feel normal again...