So I have had a LOT of people ask me about my tattoo -- so here are the answers :)
-- Why "Breathe" -- I kind of explained this a bit above. Most of you have been following my blog since the beginning, so you know some of the things that I went through. Those things are over, and will in some way always be a part of me. But life changes us. It tends to make us stronger when we think we can't make it. I read a quote the other day and I loved it "Strength isn't about how much we can handle until we break. It's about how much you can handle after you break" And sometimes we just have to stop and breathe, take it all in, and realize that it will be okay. Taking time to breathe can also come in handy when you are mid-anxiety attack -- haha.
-- Location -- This was important to me for a couple of reasons. 1. It is by my heart -- it is very personal, the word, the event, the people. 2. It over my lungs -- you need your lungs to breathe. 3. -- It is supposed to be one of the most painful places to be tattooed, and in a way it represents the pain that I went through. 4. -- it is easy to hide ;) When I am 80 I highly doubt I am going to be wearing a bikini...
-- And lastly -- yes it is real :)
Through life we change. Sometimes we change into the people we are expected to be. And sometimes we become the person that we feel we were always meant to be. People come and go -- sometimes for good, and sometimes they come back. Live with no regret, say what you mean, do what makes you happy -- because if you can't be happy what is the point? And when people tell you that you've changed, it's because you stopped living life their way...remember you are living for you, not for them.
"We should all learn to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets"
So..
I did it -- I did something crazy irrational and impulsive. Well kind of impulsive...
I thought about this for a long time -- and I had debated for a long time.
Over the past almost 2 years there have been so many highs, and so many low lows.
I am just now regaining a relationship that is so very important to me.
A friendship that I though was lost forever.
I can't even begin to describe how much this means to me.
I guess to just simply say that I am so grateful, and blessed is enough.
The one thing that I have learned through this all --
With all the ups and downs of life --
Is to take time to stop and breathe --
This is especially true when you are cursed with anxiety like I am...
So in memory of where I have been, and where I am going, and just to always remember...
I thought about this for a long time -- and I had debated for a long time.
Over the past almost 2 years there have been so many highs, and so many low lows.
I am just now regaining a relationship that is so very important to me.
A friendship that I though was lost forever.
I can't even begin to describe how much this means to me.
I guess to just simply say that I am so grateful, and blessed is enough.
The one thing that I have learned through this all --
With all the ups and downs of life --
Is to take time to stop and breathe --
This is especially true when you are cursed with anxiety like I am...
So in memory of where I have been, and where I am going, and just to always remember...
The Past...
The past is one of those things that can haunt us. The what if's, the should haves, and things we left un-finished.
But sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes fear takes over. And sometimes we aren't given the option.
I live my life with my heart in a box. Or at least I think I have tried to. It's fragile and I really would rather not get it broken again. But I guess there comes a point where you have to stop being afraid. Someone told me trust isn't about another person...Trust is about you...and knowing that when it all falls apart, that you will be okay. Getting hurt sucks. Having your heart broken is one of the most painful experiences. BUT, it does heal, and the pain does fade.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived."
-- Meet Joe Black
I guess the ultimate goal is finding someone you are head over heels about. And not being afraid to fall, hard and fast. I listen to my head far too much. I worry too much. I pull away too much. Afraid that they may not like me. And because I hold back, I give the impression I don't like the person.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fall in love. And most of all don't be afraid of what could happen...it will keep you from living your life.
But sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes fear takes over. And sometimes we aren't given the option.
I live my life with my heart in a box. Or at least I think I have tried to. It's fragile and I really would rather not get it broken again. But I guess there comes a point where you have to stop being afraid. Someone told me trust isn't about another person...Trust is about you...and knowing that when it all falls apart, that you will be okay. Getting hurt sucks. Having your heart broken is one of the most painful experiences. BUT, it does heal, and the pain does fade.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived."
-- Meet Joe Black
I guess the ultimate goal is finding someone you are head over heels about. And not being afraid to fall, hard and fast. I listen to my head far too much. I worry too much. I pull away too much. Afraid that they may not like me. And because I hold back, I give the impression I don't like the person.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fall in love. And most of all don't be afraid of what could happen...it will keep you from living your life.
What...
Last night someone asked me a few questions. I know what their motive was behind it. They wanted a certain answer...but I realized I couldn't really answer.
They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.
I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.
In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.
I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.
So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.
This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.
Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...
They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.
I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.
In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.
I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.
So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.
This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.
Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...
The idea of me...
I feel like people fall in love with the idea of me.
I come across as a really sweet, innocent, hard working, independent person. Which in many respects I am. But there is also another side of me. The relationship side. And I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that I am different in a relationship.
I feel like they have me built up in their head of what I am, how our relationship would be, and that is what they fall in love with. But the reality of me is different. Who I am is so much more than what they want or are willing to see.
I am emotional, high maintenance, dramatic, demanding, irrational.
I get afraid of getting close to them. I don't want to ruin this version of me that they love. The perfect me.
They say love is blind. I say love is naive.
I come across as a really sweet, innocent, hard working, independent person. Which in many respects I am. But there is also another side of me. The relationship side. And I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that I am different in a relationship.
I feel like they have me built up in their head of what I am, how our relationship would be, and that is what they fall in love with. But the reality of me is different. Who I am is so much more than what they want or are willing to see.
I am emotional, high maintenance, dramatic, demanding, irrational.
I get afraid of getting close to them. I don't want to ruin this version of me that they love. The perfect me.
They say love is blind. I say love is naive.
Forever Love...
Yesterday in conversation with someone we were discussing once in a lifetime loves. You know that one person that you loved more than anyone else. The one that you will love forever. Some people are lucky enough to marry their once in a lifetime love. Others are destined to wonder. My question is: Do these people really only have that once in a lifetime love? Or once that person is gone to they pull back? Preventing them from loving like that again?
I have a once in a lifetime love. We were together for over 2 years. I loved him more deeply, passionately and recklessly then I have loved anyone. Then I will allow myself to love anyone. He is the one I will compare my feelings to someone to. The one I would have done anything for. The older I get the less I allow myself to love. I fall into like, lust and about everything else. But not love. Love is too deep. Too scary. Too risky.
Love means you can, and most likely will be hurt. Love means trusting someone with every ounce of your being. Knowing that at any moment they can crush you. Love is allowing someone to know every part of you. Your insecurities. Deepest fears.
I admit it love scares me. Love is one of those things that “happens” to other people. The people I photograph. I believe in love. You have to in my profession. It is all around you all of the time. I see the love and passion in a newly sealed couples eyes. The joy of knowing they are going to be married for eternity. But I just don’t think that it will happen for me again. Whether that is because I won’t let it, or because you only get that chance once…I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
I have a once in a lifetime love. We were together for over 2 years. I loved him more deeply, passionately and recklessly then I have loved anyone. Then I will allow myself to love anyone. He is the one I will compare my feelings to someone to. The one I would have done anything for. The older I get the less I allow myself to love. I fall into like, lust and about everything else. But not love. Love is too deep. Too scary. Too risky.
Love means you can, and most likely will be hurt. Love means trusting someone with every ounce of your being. Knowing that at any moment they can crush you. Love is allowing someone to know every part of you. Your insecurities. Deepest fears.
I admit it love scares me. Love is one of those things that “happens” to other people. The people I photograph. I believe in love. You have to in my profession. It is all around you all of the time. I see the love and passion in a newly sealed couples eyes. The joy of knowing they are going to be married for eternity. But I just don’t think that it will happen for me again. Whether that is because I won’t let it, or because you only get that chance once…I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)