with light comes dark...

Lyrics...

I listen to music for the lyrics. My music reflects my mood. Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin (same lead singer) are my favorites. It seems that no matter my mood there is always something in the music I can relate to. Today I was listening to Pandora on my Blackberry like usual and I heard a song by Something Corporate "Walking By"...I loved it so I bought it. The lyrics are really good, here is a little section of them...

"These nights I get high just from breathing.
When I lie here with you I'm sure that I'm real,
like that firework over the freeway.
I could stay here all day but that's not how you feel.

So why do you leave these questions unanswered?
The circus awaits and you're already gone.
My Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile,
what makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?
Why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?
Where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?"

A Women Should...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would and WOULDN'T do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish in a day... A month..And a year...

Something Real...

I have had a lot of best friends through out my life. Some have turned out to be truly that and will be in my life forever. Others were the kind that the second you got out of the car they began to talk about you. I have had some that have betrayed me, and others that will stand by my side no matter what. I don't regret any of these relationships because they have all taught me something. And they will always be a part of me.

A couple months ago I blogged about friends betrayal. The pain and following break down. These friends were like sisters to me. Do I think they caused my breakdown? No. But do I believe they were the last straw? Yes.

Since that time I have had a lot of time to evaluate my relationships and friendships with others. You see I am amazing at pretending everything in life is great and that things don't bother me. But I never really deal with anything. I just kind of put it in a little box in the back of my head for later. This presents 2 problems.

1 - I believe it makes you more of an emotional person.

2 - You have to deal with it at some point.

Well I think that is what happened. I dealt with 25 years of emotion in one week. It was less then awesome. It was probably to date one of the hardest things I have had to go through. As I sat at work on that Tuesday reading a good-bye email I didn't want to have to read from a man that I loved I realized I couldn't breathe. I coudn't move. All I could do is cry. It was in that moment that I picked up calling the doctors office, I'm not sure how I had the presence of mind to call, but I did. My doctor was out of town, but another doctor in the office was able to get me in 15 minutes later. I sent my boss an email and was out the door. In the doctors office I cried, I was in a full blown anxiety attack and was trying to keep some sort composure.

I have never felt that helpless. I hadn't eaten in three days. Hadn't slept in a week and I was throwing up because the anxiety made my stomach so uneasy. My body was trembling, and my heart rate was over 120. It is strange to look back on that moment, because although it was me it feels like it was all a dream.

After the doctors office I went to my mom's house. I am not really sure how I made it there. I really should not have been driving. When I arrived I tried to explain the situation. She tried to get me calmed down, gave me some of the meds from the doctor and a sleeping pill. I stayed on that couch for the next week. In the morning I would try to get up and go to work, only to end up back laying down shaking from the anxiety. It was the following Monday I was able to return to work. I was still a mess. Most mornings throwing up before I left for work. Not eating. Crying at the worst moments, and taking a xanax every 4 hours just to make it through the day. It was the first time in my life that I couldn't even write about the emotion because I couldn't process it.

As the days went on I gradually took myself off the xanax, hoping that the next day would be the day I didn't need any. And one day I woke up 15 pounds lighter, and I didn't need them. I began to talk to that man again in hopes that things would end up working themselves out. And for a moment I truly believed that they would. My life felt like it was going to come back together, minus my best friend. At that point I still had so much pain I was okay with that. As the days past and as I evaluated what I wanted out of my life and how that man treated me. And I came to one conclusion. He didn't love me. And he never would love me the way I needed to be loved. And that best friend would never be back in my life.

Figuring out and embracing who you are is scary. Letting go of the past and dealing with that emotion is terrifying.

Yes sometimes I still think of that man, but I don't miss him anymore. But as for that best friend I am pretty sure I will miss her for the rest of my life. But we are better off apart. People come into your life for a reason or a season....and our season has past.

The Fluff..

Last night in talking to a friend I realized that my blog has always been a lot of fluff. The stuff that makes people say "your life looks so great". Yes my life is great, most of the time. I am blessed with amazing friends and family. I have an amazing job, and work with mostly great people. But how often do we put the "real" stuff out there? The days that just suck. The times that we would rather crawl up in a ball and cry? The days that we are venerable. The days that all the small stuff just seems too big.

I demand a lot from the people in my life. But I like to think that I give a lot back. I expect to be a priority in peoples lives. Is that such a bad thing? I feel that if someone doesn't want to make me a priority would should I make them one? I get offended and hurt too easily sometimes. Sometimes I over react. And sometimes I say things I don't mean. But I am always very quick to forgive, to forget and to say that I was wrong.

So on that note I think that my blog will become really what I believe it should be...truly Most of Me...including the parts that most people never get to see.

Today...

Today I feel powerful. I learned something about myself. I have strength I never knew I had. I have courage beyond measure.

It was 2 months ago I had a complete breakdown. The kind where you don't get out of bed. Where brushing my teeth sent me into an anxiety attack. I hate to think that I was that "weak". That I could let my emotions consume me to the point that I was just trying to survive.

It was 2 months ago today that I saw him for the last time. I couldn't stand because I was crying so hard as he walked out my door. I was willing to give everything and make myself completely miserable to make him just a little happy.

It was 6 days ago today that I realized...I don't need him or want him anymore.

It was 2 days ago I realized I have the courage to let go of people that can't give me what I need or want.

It was 9 hours ago that I realized that heartbreak hurts...but I would rather have my heart broken a million times and realize that I can still feel then to live the rest of my life numb and never have those moments of happiness...

It isn't until you let go of the past that you can truly move forward....

Retirement...

My boss had his retirement party today...it was a crazy day. I ran around non-stop until the lunch at 11:00. We had originally planned on having about 75 attendees at the most...well we ended up with over 100 (we took up half the restaurant). Needless to say the poor servers at Olive Garden were running around like mad...but they did a FANTASTIC job! They were simply amazing! I thought I would end up crying at this lunch trying to say goodbye, but I didn't. To be honest I don't think it has really hit me yet....but I am sure when it does I'll be sad. 4 and a half years ago Stu hired me. He was really taking a chance on a young girl. I was barley 21 and had little to no experience. I was scared out of my mind. But I like to think that I have grown a lot over those years...and have grown to LOVE my job and all the "guys" I get to hang out with all day. Stu was an amazing boss to me. He was always the first to tell me good job and I swear he had more faith in me a lot of times then I had in myself. I will miss him.