The past is one of those things that can haunt us. The what if's, the should haves, and things we left un-finished.
But sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes fear takes over. And sometimes we aren't given the option.
I live my life with my heart in a box. Or at least I think I have tried to. It's fragile and I really would rather not get it broken again. But I guess there comes a point where you have to stop being afraid. Someone told me trust isn't about another person...Trust is about you...and knowing that when it all falls apart, that you will be okay. Getting hurt sucks. Having your heart broken is one of the most painful experiences. BUT, it does heal, and the pain does fade.
One of my favorite quotes is:
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived."
-- Meet Joe Black
I guess the ultimate goal is finding someone you are head over heels about. And not being afraid to fall, hard and fast. I listen to my head far too much. I worry too much. I pull away too much. Afraid that they may not like me. And because I hold back, I give the impression I don't like the person.
Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fall in love. And most of all don't be afraid of what could happen...it will keep you from living your life.
What...
Last night someone asked me a few questions. I know what their motive was behind it. They wanted a certain answer...but I realized I couldn't really answer.
They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.
I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.
In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.
I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.
So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.
This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.
Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...
They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.
I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.
In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.
I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.
So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.
This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.
Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...
The idea of me...
I feel like people fall in love with the idea of me.
I come across as a really sweet, innocent, hard working, independent person. Which in many respects I am. But there is also another side of me. The relationship side. And I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that I am different in a relationship.
I feel like they have me built up in their head of what I am, how our relationship would be, and that is what they fall in love with. But the reality of me is different. Who I am is so much more than what they want or are willing to see.
I am emotional, high maintenance, dramatic, demanding, irrational.
I get afraid of getting close to them. I don't want to ruin this version of me that they love. The perfect me.
They say love is blind. I say love is naive.
I come across as a really sweet, innocent, hard working, independent person. Which in many respects I am. But there is also another side of me. The relationship side. And I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that I am different in a relationship.
I feel like they have me built up in their head of what I am, how our relationship would be, and that is what they fall in love with. But the reality of me is different. Who I am is so much more than what they want or are willing to see.
I am emotional, high maintenance, dramatic, demanding, irrational.
I get afraid of getting close to them. I don't want to ruin this version of me that they love. The perfect me.
They say love is blind. I say love is naive.
Forever Love...
Yesterday in conversation with someone we were discussing once in a lifetime loves. You know that one person that you loved more than anyone else. The one that you will love forever. Some people are lucky enough to marry their once in a lifetime love. Others are destined to wonder. My question is: Do these people really only have that once in a lifetime love? Or once that person is gone to they pull back? Preventing them from loving like that again?
I have a once in a lifetime love. We were together for over 2 years. I loved him more deeply, passionately and recklessly then I have loved anyone. Then I will allow myself to love anyone. He is the one I will compare my feelings to someone to. The one I would have done anything for. The older I get the less I allow myself to love. I fall into like, lust and about everything else. But not love. Love is too deep. Too scary. Too risky.
Love means you can, and most likely will be hurt. Love means trusting someone with every ounce of your being. Knowing that at any moment they can crush you. Love is allowing someone to know every part of you. Your insecurities. Deepest fears.
I admit it love scares me. Love is one of those things that “happens” to other people. The people I photograph. I believe in love. You have to in my profession. It is all around you all of the time. I see the love and passion in a newly sealed couples eyes. The joy of knowing they are going to be married for eternity. But I just don’t think that it will happen for me again. Whether that is because I won’t let it, or because you only get that chance once…I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
I have a once in a lifetime love. We were together for over 2 years. I loved him more deeply, passionately and recklessly then I have loved anyone. Then I will allow myself to love anyone. He is the one I will compare my feelings to someone to. The one I would have done anything for. The older I get the less I allow myself to love. I fall into like, lust and about everything else. But not love. Love is too deep. Too scary. Too risky.
Love means you can, and most likely will be hurt. Love means trusting someone with every ounce of your being. Knowing that at any moment they can crush you. Love is allowing someone to know every part of you. Your insecurities. Deepest fears.
I admit it love scares me. Love is one of those things that “happens” to other people. The people I photograph. I believe in love. You have to in my profession. It is all around you all of the time. I see the love and passion in a newly sealed couples eyes. The joy of knowing they are going to be married for eternity. But I just don’t think that it will happen for me again. Whether that is because I won’t let it, or because you only get that chance once…I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
Friday...
On Friday I lost my best friend.
I lost the one "person" that has been there for me non stop for the past three and a half years. She has been there through tough break ups, lost friends, betrayals, depression, moves, broken engagements, happiness and despair. She loved me unconditionally. She was the first one there when I cried. Cuddled me when I was sick. And bossed me around non stop.
Sydnee Loosle January 7, 2007 - August 6, 2010
My little Sydnee (sass) was taken from me far too early. She was still a baby only three and a half years old. Sydnee was so full of life, and SO much Sass. She always kept me on my toes. Friday I had to make the difficult decision of putting her down. Sydnee had injured her back. At first the vet believed that with rest and medication she would heal on her own. But within 24 hours she had become completely paralyzed in her back legs. When the surgeon saw her, he gave her less then a 50% chance of ever being able to walk again.
If you knew my little one, you knew that there is NO way she would have had it that way. She was one that did not hold still. She did not let her size hold her back in any way. She was a "Big:" dog. And she was going to do whatever her best friends the Golden's did. I couldn't be selfish and keep her here. I couldn't expect her to be happy with a life that she wouldn't have wanted. So I made the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I let her have her legs back. I let her go to a place that is so much greater then here.
I miss her so terribly. I feel like my heart could break into a million little pieces. But I know she is looking down on me smiling, wagging the wiggly waggly little tail of hers, bossing me around telling me to hurry up! Because heaven knows she is in charge...and what she says goes.
I lost the one "person" that has been there for me non stop for the past three and a half years. She has been there through tough break ups, lost friends, betrayals, depression, moves, broken engagements, happiness and despair. She loved me unconditionally. She was the first one there when I cried. Cuddled me when I was sick. And bossed me around non stop.
Sydnee Loosle January 7, 2007 - August 6, 2010
My little Sydnee (sass) was taken from me far too early. She was still a baby only three and a half years old. Sydnee was so full of life, and SO much Sass. She always kept me on my toes. Friday I had to make the difficult decision of putting her down. Sydnee had injured her back. At first the vet believed that with rest and medication she would heal on her own. But within 24 hours she had become completely paralyzed in her back legs. When the surgeon saw her, he gave her less then a 50% chance of ever being able to walk again.
If you knew my little one, you knew that there is NO way she would have had it that way. She was one that did not hold still. She did not let her size hold her back in any way. She was a "Big:" dog. And she was going to do whatever her best friends the Golden's did. I couldn't be selfish and keep her here. I couldn't expect her to be happy with a life that she wouldn't have wanted. So I made the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I let her have her legs back. I let her go to a place that is so much greater then here.
I miss her so terribly. I feel like my heart could break into a million little pieces. But I know she is looking down on me smiling, wagging the wiggly waggly little tail of hers, bossing me around telling me to hurry up! Because heaven knows she is in charge...and what she says goes.
Normally...
I am normally not one to get involved in politics or religious debate. Many of you know I am LDS (Mormon) I was raised LDS, and I don't claim to be the most righteous person out there. But I do however have a strong testimony of my church. Okay with all that aside all of this Prop 8 "stuff" has really gotten under my skin. I personally do not have too much of a stance on whether or not gays should be allowed to get married. I believe that it isn't my decision. This may be right or it may be wrong in your opinion, but it is how I feel.
With that being said, it seriously BREAKS my heart to see what all of this controversy is doing to families, friends and our nation. It has caused so much pain, hurt and contention on all sides. I have many friends that are "gay", and I love them unconditionally. We have been instructed as Christan's to love our neighbor as our self...why do we find this so hard. You don't have to agree with a persons choices to love them. And it isn't our place to judge. So why do people feel the need to put others down? Does it make them feel better about themselves, or their beliefs? I have seen this on both sides of the matter. Why can't we all just have compassion for one another? Try to get along. Mind our own business?
There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in, but is it necessary to put someone else down to do so?
With that being said, it seriously BREAKS my heart to see what all of this controversy is doing to families, friends and our nation. It has caused so much pain, hurt and contention on all sides. I have many friends that are "gay", and I love them unconditionally. We have been instructed as Christan's to love our neighbor as our self...why do we find this so hard. You don't have to agree with a persons choices to love them. And it isn't our place to judge. So why do people feel the need to put others down? Does it make them feel better about themselves, or their beliefs? I have seen this on both sides of the matter. Why can't we all just have compassion for one another? Try to get along. Mind our own business?
There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in, but is it necessary to put someone else down to do so?
Past...
There are some things in life that never change.
Some connections that never die.
Feelings that will always remain the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel about someone the way I felt about him.
It has been years...
But the connection remains.
There is no chance either of us would go back.
Differences remain.
But the feelings, I think will always stay the same.
Some connections that never die.
Feelings that will always remain the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel about someone the way I felt about him.
It has been years...
But the connection remains.
There is no chance either of us would go back.
Differences remain.
But the feelings, I think will always stay the same.
Why...
Why is it that the people that make us most happy in life also can make us the most miserable?
Just a thought.
Just a thought.
Confession...
Sometimes I long for my early 20's.
Yes they were rough and it took me a long time to figure myself out.
But they were so carefree. I miss that.
Working at the tanning salon 5 hours a day. Staying up all night with my friends...because I could.
With the Sigma Chi Alumni banquet this weekend, I am preparing myself to feel very old.
I remember being 19 or 20 hanging out at the Sig house...and thinking that girls my age were old...so old, and why were they not married....
Well folks I am that girl. I am old.
Should make for an intrestingly awesome weekend. I am excited to see all my dear friends that are going to be in from out of state.
Yes they were rough and it took me a long time to figure myself out.
But they were so carefree. I miss that.
Working at the tanning salon 5 hours a day. Staying up all night with my friends...because I could.
With the Sigma Chi Alumni banquet this weekend, I am preparing myself to feel very old.
I remember being 19 or 20 hanging out at the Sig house...and thinking that girls my age were old...so old, and why were they not married....
Well folks I am that girl. I am old.
Should make for an intrestingly awesome weekend. I am excited to see all my dear friends that are going to be in from out of state.
Enough...
Do you ever feel like you are not quite enough? That if one day you just never woke up that no one would even notice?
No I do not currently feel this way. But last night as I laid in bed I thought about times I had felt this way. Times I felt like a complete failure. And that no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to dig myself out. It seemed the more I tried to overcome these emotions the more they would consume me.
Then I got to think about what put me in these situations. What caused me to feel so hopeless and helpless.
Although I don’t like to admit it, most of the time it was a situation I had put myself in. And most of the instances closely followed a relationship. When I am with someone, I isolate myself. My life becomes their life. My hobbies become theirs, and my schedule revolves around theirs. No this is NOT healthy. And I realize this now.
In my evaluation I concluded how can I expect to have people there for me when I isolated myself from them? Maybe I didn’t realize the absence of my friends because I was so enveloped in my relationship. I didn’t realize the lack of support or communication. And in some way I think the lack of communication was a relief, it made it easier for me. I didn’t have to make an excuse for not going to a girls dinner, or having to explain why I was still with him. But when he was gone…the silence was deafening.
It has been 11 months since I really felt this way. 11 months since I lost my best friend. I know that she thinks of me. How could she not. We spent 7 years being best friends. And I know he probably misses me sometimes. And I miss her. It has been 11 months since I broke up with that boy. And I am happy to say we are friends now. It took a long time to get there. But we did it.
We have so many choices in life. In a relationship we have the choice to become a “we”. But that doesn’t mean that we have to lose our independence. A good relationship is comprised of a “you” “me” and “we”…it was when we lose the “me” that we start to lose ourselves and what truly makes us happy. And it isn’t until we can maintain that balance that we will be genuinely happy.
No I do not currently feel this way. But last night as I laid in bed I thought about times I had felt this way. Times I felt like a complete failure. And that no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to dig myself out. It seemed the more I tried to overcome these emotions the more they would consume me.
Then I got to think about what put me in these situations. What caused me to feel so hopeless and helpless.
Although I don’t like to admit it, most of the time it was a situation I had put myself in. And most of the instances closely followed a relationship. When I am with someone, I isolate myself. My life becomes their life. My hobbies become theirs, and my schedule revolves around theirs. No this is NOT healthy. And I realize this now.
In my evaluation I concluded how can I expect to have people there for me when I isolated myself from them? Maybe I didn’t realize the absence of my friends because I was so enveloped in my relationship. I didn’t realize the lack of support or communication. And in some way I think the lack of communication was a relief, it made it easier for me. I didn’t have to make an excuse for not going to a girls dinner, or having to explain why I was still with him. But when he was gone…the silence was deafening.
It has been 11 months since I really felt this way. 11 months since I lost my best friend. I know that she thinks of me. How could she not. We spent 7 years being best friends. And I know he probably misses me sometimes. And I miss her. It has been 11 months since I broke up with that boy. And I am happy to say we are friends now. It took a long time to get there. But we did it.
We have so many choices in life. In a relationship we have the choice to become a “we”. But that doesn’t mean that we have to lose our independence. A good relationship is comprised of a “you” “me” and “we”…it was when we lose the “me” that we start to lose ourselves and what truly makes us happy. And it isn’t until we can maintain that balance that we will be genuinely happy.
ps...
and me being me...i talked to zac.
i knew i would.
but with 5 years.
we are bound to be friends.
but don't worry i'm not going back.
just talking.
no face to face.
(and that is not what below blog is about..."time" is just thoughts i have been having in general)
i knew i would.
but with 5 years.
we are bound to be friends.
but don't worry i'm not going back.
just talking.
no face to face.
(and that is not what below blog is about..."time" is just thoughts i have been having in general)
time...
there are times in life that we know what we should do...and then there is what we do.
i have been faced with this situation on more then one occasion. and generally my heart wins my logic.
why is it that leaving a person seems so difficult? why are we so afraid of the pain? pain eventually fades.
and sometimes the pain of staying with that person hurts more then leaving would.
sometimes i am logical. sometimes i give myself a time out to think.
sometimes we need that time to realize what we really can deal with.
what we can live with.
i am trying to get better at taking some time out.
to think logically.
rationally.
trying to not jump into situations that i shouldn't.
avoiding times i have to pick up pieces to a mess that isn't mine.
i have been faced with this situation on more then one occasion. and generally my heart wins my logic.
why is it that leaving a person seems so difficult? why are we so afraid of the pain? pain eventually fades.
and sometimes the pain of staying with that person hurts more then leaving would.
sometimes i am logical. sometimes i give myself a time out to think.
sometimes we need that time to realize what we really can deal with.
what we can live with.
i am trying to get better at taking some time out.
to think logically.
rationally.
trying to not jump into situations that i shouldn't.
avoiding times i have to pick up pieces to a mess that isn't mine.
Sometimes...
Sometimes I feel like screaming...just because.
Because I am bored...
Because I am irritaed...
Because I am tired...
Because I feel stuck...
Because althought I know I am freaking out I feel justified...
If only men could understand the feeling of knowing you are being crazy and really have no control over stopping.
Because I am bored...
Because I am irritaed...
Because I am tired...
Because I feel stuck...
Because althought I know I am freaking out I feel justified...
If only men could understand the feeling of knowing you are being crazy and really have no control over stopping.
Never...
You know it never amazes me what people think they can get away with...or what they think you will put up with. I know I can be a pushover. But if you don't stand up for yourself from time to time...who else will?
Full Circle...
Funny how sometimes on life things come full circle. When we mess things up I think that we are always given a second chance. Whether that second chance is as good as the first...I'm not sure. And this time...it's not ideal.
I broke things off with Zac. I haven't talked to him in nearly 4 weeks. I am proud of myself. And I feel a lot better. Now enter in more drama. That boy...the one that was now married. He is soon not to be married. And it is so confusing. No I am not jumping into anything. Yes there are still feelings there. It's just really hard to know what to do. How to act and what is acceptable in this type of situation. Slow is better. Friends is probably the best idea. But I just can't seem to process it all.
I broke things off with Zac. I haven't talked to him in nearly 4 weeks. I am proud of myself. And I feel a lot better. Now enter in more drama. That boy...the one that was now married. He is soon not to be married. And it is so confusing. No I am not jumping into anything. Yes there are still feelings there. It's just really hard to know what to do. How to act and what is acceptable in this type of situation. Slow is better. Friends is probably the best idea. But I just can't seem to process it all.
And Then...
Sometimes I am stronger then I think.
But most of the time I'm not.
But most of the time I'm not.
I am a pushover.
I am really excellent at compromise.
But compromise usually me being the only one giving.
Today one of my sweet engineers that works out of King of Prussia, PA came by my desk to say hi.. He gave me some really good advice. He said:
"I have been on this earth a long time, 72 years. And I have learned a lot about people and love. It isn't easy living with someone. The trick is compromise. We are selfish, and take things for granted. And when we take people for granted the relationship ends"
I need to learn to stand up for myself. And not be such a pushover...then I wouldn't get myself into relationships that aren't good for me. Or maybe I wouldn't allow the relationship to turn into something that isn't good for me.
PS
I'll be updating both blogs...just depends on how I am feeling. Most of me will maintain the same tone...Highest Heels will be more of the fluff. :)
Loss...
When you lose someone important in your life it is like a death. I think in many ways you have to treat it as a death. But I think the difference between it and a death are you know that person is still there. Sometimes I think it would be easier to grieve a death, then the loss of someone you love. Because you know they are really gone.. It wasn't due to a break up, a fight, a misunderstanding.
Confession. I miss her. There are days that I don't think about it. Many days in fact. But then there are days that make my heart hurt. I wanted her there for all the big moments. But she won't be.
I hate the line "if things are meant to work out they will" or "things happen for a reason". We can do so much in life to make things go one way or another. We have the ability to make or break anything in life. I do believe we are always given another chance...but who's to say it will be as good as the first chance we were given?
Why is it when we feel like our life has finally stopped transitioning...it does again?
Confession. I miss her. There are days that I don't think about it. Many days in fact. But then there are days that make my heart hurt. I wanted her there for all the big moments. But she won't be.
I hate the line "if things are meant to work out they will" or "things happen for a reason". We can do so much in life to make things go one way or another. We have the ability to make or break anything in life. I do believe we are always given another chance...but who's to say it will be as good as the first chance we were given?
Why is it when we feel like our life has finally stopped transitioning...it does again?
So...
He is coming to visit me. I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet. I think it could be a really good thing. Or a really bad thing. I have seen him once since my little freak out in June. It was only for about an hour. We plan on skiing all day tomorrow. And perhaps hanging out for part of the week.
On that note I decided to take my other blog off private and start using it again. I feel like enough wounds have healed. And I decided I don't really care if certain people read it any more. So have at it...if you started readed when I started Most of Me...it will give you an idea of how I was before. http://www.spinaroundinthehighestheels.blogspot.com/
A Year Ago...
Almost one year ago a boy put this ring on my finger and asked me to marry him. I said yes.
Shortly after I took back that answer, and he took back that ring.
I don't regret my decision. Although he was a wonderful man. It just wasn't right. But I can't help but think about him. How he is doing. I can't help but care about people in my past. It's so deeply engrained in me I don't think it will ever change.
People ask me how I can still talk to some of my ex's. Ones that have hurt me so badly. And all I can tell them is, I cared about them. You can't just stop that. they don't seem to like that answer. Maybe it is because I can't not have them in my life in some way. Or maybe I just don't have it in me to hate someone. Regardless...that boy that gave me that ring? He is the only one that I don't maintain some sort of relationship with...even if it is just being friends on FB with some of them.
When I am in a relationship I give everything I have. I can't walk away until I can say I tried everything. This leaves me never having any regrets. There has only been one that I regret. And it is because I listened to a friend. I don't know that we would have ended up together. Nor do I blame her. I blame myself for listening to her. He was an amazing man, and I broke his heart. There are days I really wish I wouldn't have listened.
But everything happens for a reason I suppose.
Life is about timing. I seem to have really bad timing. Things with that boy I have mentioned are still going along at a snails pace. Although we did have a good conversation last weekend. It was determined that he needed to take some time and think about what he wants out of life. Last night I got a text that said "I have been thinking :)" Not sure what that means. But we'll see. In the mean time I am dating. Not that I have been out with anyone yet. But hey there is always the option...haha.
My first blood tests came back and everything looked good, except for something with my liver. So they are re-testing that. And about 20 other things. Very exciting :) They said I should have some results back by next week. More then likely they will come back and say nothing is wrong. Which is good and bad.
Conclusion...
I realized something about myself today.
I like to be involved. I want to know what is going on in people that are close to me's lives. I want to know how they are feeling. I want to make things better for them. Be understanding of their situation, or trials. I cut them slack, even sometimes make excuses for them based on what is going on in their life.
But when it comes to me, I am closed off. Sure I might give you so vague idea, but it is always at a distance. I show glimpses here and there on my blog, but it is far from what is really going on. I don't think I write it down because I don't even want to be that honest with myself. I can't be that honest. Because I think if I really put it all down I wouldn't be able to handle it. Instead I keep myself busy. Help other people with their problems, get involved in their lives, because I feel like I can at least help them, or maybe bring them a little clarity.
I know at some point I have to give in. At some point I am going to have to let someone be there for me. I can't always be the strong one. But I feel like to let someone be there for me I am just a burden. That is really the only way to put it. I don't want to feel like I owe someone. I don't want to feel like I am dragging them down. I want to be the one that is picking them up.
With all of this being said, I am exhausted. Truly exhausted. Who knows, maybe it is mono, or my thyroid. Regardless I am going into the doctor tomorrow to be tested for both. I went from not sleeping, to being able to sleep for 14 hours. By the end of the day 6pm I am so exhausted I feel like I can't even stand. I am praying it is just a virus. And it will be over soon so I can get some of the things done that I need to take car of.
I'll keep you all posted :)
And by the way...to all of you wonderful sweethearts that wished me a happy birthday...I love you all! 26 really is a strange age...
xoxo
I like to be involved. I want to know what is going on in people that are close to me's lives. I want to know how they are feeling. I want to make things better for them. Be understanding of their situation, or trials. I cut them slack, even sometimes make excuses for them based on what is going on in their life.
But when it comes to me, I am closed off. Sure I might give you so vague idea, but it is always at a distance. I show glimpses here and there on my blog, but it is far from what is really going on. I don't think I write it down because I don't even want to be that honest with myself. I can't be that honest. Because I think if I really put it all down I wouldn't be able to handle it. Instead I keep myself busy. Help other people with their problems, get involved in their lives, because I feel like I can at least help them, or maybe bring them a little clarity.
I know at some point I have to give in. At some point I am going to have to let someone be there for me. I can't always be the strong one. But I feel like to let someone be there for me I am just a burden. That is really the only way to put it. I don't want to feel like I owe someone. I don't want to feel like I am dragging them down. I want to be the one that is picking them up.
With all of this being said, I am exhausted. Truly exhausted. Who knows, maybe it is mono, or my thyroid. Regardless I am going into the doctor tomorrow to be tested for both. I went from not sleeping, to being able to sleep for 14 hours. By the end of the day 6pm I am so exhausted I feel like I can't even stand. I am praying it is just a virus. And it will be over soon so I can get some of the things done that I need to take car of.
I'll keep you all posted :)
And by the way...to all of you wonderful sweethearts that wished me a happy birthday...I love you all! 26 really is a strange age...
xoxo
Dreams...
So I have been having some crazy dreams over the past month, and so I have frequently turned to the dream dictionary to see what they "mean". Last night I had a dream that I was being murdered...So this is what the dictionary had to say about it...
To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. Alternatively, the dream refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.
To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.
To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.
To dream that you have been stabbed, signifies your struggle with power. You may be experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be feeling betrayed as the popular phrase goes, "being stabbed in the back"
There are a lot of things going on in my life. And to be honest I am confused about most of them. Photography is taking off, and it is wonderful, I love it. I wish I just had someone to do all the stuff I don't want to do. The templates, the design all that stuff. I just don't have the time, and feel like it takes away from the part I love. I am also planning my first wedding. This will be easy, I have done event planning for the past 5 years at work...I am interested to see if I enjoy it or not.
I have been talking to that boy again. (told you I would go back) I think I am a masochist. Same pattern Good for a bit, then he will start to pull away. I'll freak, we'll fight, I'll write him off. Then we will talk again. I am being the dumb girl and giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know I need to cut that tie. But we always remember the good. And right now things are good. But I know that at some point they are going to go bad. I think I know that he will never give 100% and I can't always give 110%. But why is it I can't just turn my back. I mean I am the girl that broke off her engagement and didn't speak to him again. Why can't I just give in and have a clean break. Why can't I let go? I keep asking myself this question. Why does it have to be different?
I have so many great guys I could be dating. Ones that are honestly willing to do about anything to date me. But this one, I can't let go of. I know in a lot of ways I make him sound worse then he is. He honestly is a sweetheart, is always nice to me, has never yelled at me or gotten mad at me. He always opens my door, pays for me whatever we do. But then there is just that feeling that I get. That I don't know if I could ever be enough. This could be my own insecurity. He tells me how amazing I am. How I am the only girl that it doesn't freak him out to think about marrying me. But then tells me that I am wasting my time. I don't stand up for myself enough. The one person I have a hard time standing up to.
I guess you can't make someone else have passion that isn't there, and it isn't fair to wait around and see if they "get" it back. But I'll probably wait anyhow. Because at this point I am so invested in the relationship that I can't deal with how broken I would be if I turned my back. And if I wanted to, I don't know that I could right now.
2009...
So my landlord lady and friend lady did this and I thought it was kind of fun...2009 summary of sorts.
• Moved out of my parents house...
• Got engaged...
• Took engagements and met a new bff and photog friend...
• Got un-engaged...
• Moved...
• Lost 2 best friends...
• Had my heart broken...
• Had a breakdown...
• Moved...
• Bought a DSLR...
• Found new/old best friends...
• Photography started to consume my life...
• Fell in love...
• Moved again...
• Broke my foot stepping off a stair...
• Realized I am happy...
2009 was full of a million ups and downs. Sometimes I think there were more downs. It is the year that I started to be honest with myself. Honest about how I feel, what I want and who I am. I realized I am emotionally high maintenance, and am probably one of the only girls that will admit it :) And I realized that is okay, I ask a lot of people, but I also give a lot in return.
Here is to 2010...may it be a year full of good health, happiness and a whole lot less drama...! haha.
• Moved out of my parents house...
• Got engaged...
• Took engagements and met a new bff and photog friend...
• Got un-engaged...
• Moved...
• Lost 2 best friends...
• Had my heart broken...
• Had a breakdown...
• Moved...
• Bought a DSLR...
• Found new/old best friends...
• Photography started to consume my life...
• Fell in love...
• Moved again...
• Broke my foot stepping off a stair...
• Realized I am happy...
2009 was full of a million ups and downs. Sometimes I think there were more downs. It is the year that I started to be honest with myself. Honest about how I feel, what I want and who I am. I realized I am emotionally high maintenance, and am probably one of the only girls that will admit it :) And I realized that is okay, I ask a lot of people, but I also give a lot in return.
Here is to 2010...may it be a year full of good health, happiness and a whole lot less drama...! haha.
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