What...

Last night someone asked me a few questions. I know what their motive was behind it. They wanted a certain answer...but I realized I couldn't really answer.

They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?

I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.

I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.

In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.

I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.

So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.

This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.

Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...