Conclusion...

I realized something about myself today.

I like to be involved. I want to know what is going on in people that are close to me's lives. I want to know how they are feeling. I want to make things better for them. Be understanding of their situation, or trials. I cut them slack, even sometimes make excuses for them based on what is going on in their life.

But when it comes to me, I am closed off. Sure I might give you so vague idea, but it is always at a distance. I show glimpses here and there on my blog, but it is far from what is really going on. I don't think I write it down because I don't even want to be that honest with myself. I can't be that honest. Because I think if I really put it all down I wouldn't be able to handle it. Instead I keep myself busy. Help other people with their problems, get involved in their lives, because I feel like I can at least help them, or maybe bring them a little clarity.

I know at some point I have to give in. At some point I am going to have to let someone be there for me. I can't always be the strong one. But I feel like to let someone be there for me I am just a burden. That is really the only way to put it. I don't want to feel like I owe someone. I don't want to feel like I am dragging them down. I want to be the one that is picking them up.

With all of this being said, I am exhausted. Truly exhausted. Who knows, maybe it is mono, or my thyroid. Regardless I am going into the doctor tomorrow to be tested for both. I went from not sleeping, to being able to sleep for 14 hours. By the end of the day 6pm I am so exhausted I feel like I can't even stand. I am praying it is just a virus. And it will be over soon so I can get some of the things done that I need to take car of.

I'll keep you all posted :)

And by the way...to all of you wonderful sweethearts that wished me a happy birthday...I love you all! 26 really is a strange age...

xoxo

Dreams...

So I have been having some crazy dreams over the past month, and so I have frequently turned to the dream dictionary to see what they "mean". Last night I had a dream that I was being murdered...So this is what the dictionary had to say about it...

To dream that you have been killed, suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. Alternatively, the dream refers to drastic changes that are happening in your life. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of old parts of yourself and old habits.

To see a killer in your dream, suggests that an essential aspect of your emotions have been cut off. You feel that you are losing your identity and your individuality. Alternatively, this dream may represent purification and the healing process. You are standing up for yourself and putting a dramatic end to something.

To dream that you are murdered, suggests that some important and significant relationship has been severed and you are trying to disconnect yourself from your emotions. It also represents your unused talents.

To dream that you have been stabbed, signifies your struggle with power. You may be experiencing feelings of inadequacy and defensiveness. Alternatively, you may be feeling betrayed as the popular phrase goes, "being stabbed in the back"

There are a lot of things going on in my life. And to be honest I am confused about most of them. Photography is taking off, and it is wonderful, I love it. I wish I just had someone to do all the stuff I don't want to do. The templates, the design all that stuff. I just don't have the time, and feel like it takes away from the part I love. I am also planning my first wedding. This will be easy, I have done event planning for the past 5 years at work...I am interested to see if I enjoy it or not.

I have been talking to that boy again. (told you I would go back) I think I am a masochist. Same pattern Good for a bit, then he will start to pull away. I'll freak, we'll fight, I'll write him off. Then we will talk again. I am being the dumb girl and giving him the benefit of the doubt. I know I need to cut that tie. But we always remember the good. And right now things are good. But I know that at some point they are going to go bad. I think I know that he will never give 100% and I can't always give 110%. But why is it I can't just turn my back. I mean I am the girl that broke off her engagement and didn't speak to him again. Why can't I just give in and have a clean break. Why can't I let go? I keep asking myself this question. Why does it have to be different?

I have so many great guys I could be dating. Ones that are honestly willing to do about anything to date me. But this one, I can't let go of. I know in a lot of ways I make him sound worse then he is. He honestly is a sweetheart, is always nice to me, has never yelled at me or gotten mad at me. He always opens my door, pays for me whatever we do. But then there is just that feeling that I get. That I don't know if I could ever be enough. This could be my own insecurity. He tells me how amazing I am. How I am the only girl that it doesn't freak him out to think about marrying me. But then tells me that I am wasting my time. I don't stand up for myself enough. The one person I have a hard time standing up to.

I guess you can't make someone else have passion that isn't there, and it isn't fair to wait around and see if they "get" it back. But I'll probably wait anyhow. Because at this point I am so invested in the relationship that I can't deal with how broken I would be if I turned my back. And if I wanted to, I don't know that I could right now.

2009...

So my landlord lady and friend lady did this and I thought it was kind of fun...2009 summary of sorts.


• Moved out of my parents house...

• Got engaged...

• Took engagements and met a new bff and photog friend...

• Got un-engaged...

• Moved...

• Lost 2 best friends...

• Had my heart broken...

• Had a breakdown...

• Moved...

• Bought a DSLR...

• Found new/old best friends...

• Photography started to consume my life...

• Fell in love...

• Moved again...

• Broke my foot stepping off a stair...

• Realized I am happy...

2009 was full of a million ups and downs. Sometimes I think there were more downs. It is the year that I started to be honest with myself. Honest about how I feel, what I want and who I am. I realized I am emotionally high maintenance, and am probably one of the only girls that will admit it :) And I realized that is okay, I ask a lot of people, but I also give a lot in return.
Here is to 2010...may it be a year full of good health, happiness and a whole lot less drama...! haha.