I tend to blog in rather vague terms. I think I have always done it to protect the other people. Or maybe it has been to protect me? I don't know. Anyhow enough with being vague. What is going on with me...
I had started hanging out again with a "friend". We have dated on and off for the past 5 years. It seemed like things always came back to him. I think everyone has had one of those people in their life. But this time it was different. This time he was honest with me. He told me how much he cared about me. How he would want to marry me. How he has always had feelings for me. Things seemed to be going so well. Then it all fell apart. Things with his family started happening...his stress and schedule went to overload. I started to feel like an obligation, ignored, and like a burden. I pulled away. I told him when he wasn't so busy, when he could make time for me to call...I didn't expect to hear from him. I started dating other people. I found one that I actually liked. We started to spend time together, having a great time...and then he texted again. And what did I do? I went running back.
That night I showed him the blog from the night I said goodbye to him. He felt horrible. We started talking every day. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. Things were going so well. I was happy. And then I felt him begin to pull away again. Same excuses as before. Family, stress, school, work...not wanting to pull me into it all. To me this is a cop out...If you want to be with someone...you fight. You fight to be together. It's not easy...but when you love them...you flight for them. I tried to fight. And when I realized I couldn't fight anymore...that he wasn't fighting too...I asked the question that I knew would end it.
I cried. I took an Ambein. I went in the living room and fell asleep on the couch. I wanted to be numb. I wasn't. I could still feel it all. That night is when I wrote this blog.... The next day we talked...and solved nothing. I talked about how I felt, what I wanted. He told me we could only be friends for now. I told him he didn't love me like he had said he did, that I couldn't just be friends with him. I kept coming back to something being the matter wtih me. But then I realized something....this time it really wasn't me...I really honestly had given it everything I had...
I can't just be his friend. I have too many feelings and emotions. He can't be with me because he doesn't have the emotional engery right now...I want someone that gives me that energy even when they don't have it. I want someone that is going to fight for me...even when I am trying to pull away...because I am worth fighting for. I want someone that wants to hold my hand. That can't be in the same room with me without wanting to touch me. That wants everyone to know they are with me. I don't want to always be the one giving...and feeling like I never get anything in return.
So why is it if he called me today...I would still go back?
Sometimes it's just not enough...
Sometimes love is just not enough
Sometimes we are just not enough
And Sometimes that is okay...
Sometimes we are just not enough
And Sometimes that is okay...
I have held on to something for the past 5 years that I think I knew wouldn't work. Or maybe that I couldn't handle it working. I think that part of me can't handle the thought of things working out or going well. If things go well, that means at some point they have to go badly. And the higher you are, the harder you fall.
As a lot of you know I was a "non eater" for many years. Many being around 10 with small periods of "recovery". This was my control mechanism. You see when things in my life got out of control I could control what went into my body. It gave me power, strength and a "high". It has been about 5 years since I would say since I had real issues with it. Yes every day is a battle, some days are easier than others. I give you this history for one reason...I think I try to take control in relationships. I know what it takes to make them end. With this being said I don't necessarily want them to end. But it is kind of like what I said before...if I can control when the fall is going to happen, I can keep it from hurting so badly.
This is why the second that things seem to go badly I pull away. I cause an issue. I bring a subject that I know will cause issues, or freak out over something so small. I know that it is self destructive, and in some ways, I think it is a supplement to the eating disorder. But it gives me some sort of power and control in a situation that I feel I would have none.
I'm not really sure what it will take for me to get over it. Or what it will take for me to realize that I honestly deserve to be happy in a relationship...
Piece by Piece...
"We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal." -- Tennessee Williams
I feel as though I have learned this over and over again this year. I like to believe the best in people, give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I have few people in life that are really close to me...why is it always those people that end up hurting us the most.
I think it has taken me until now, 6 months later to realize how deep that cut was. And I feel like it is slowly beginning to heal.
Piece by piece I feel like I am coming back to who I was...the happy girl that I feel like has been gone for so long.
I feel as though I have learned this over and over again this year. I like to believe the best in people, give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I have few people in life that are really close to me...why is it always those people that end up hurting us the most.
I think it has taken me until now, 6 months later to realize how deep that cut was. And I feel like it is slowly beginning to heal.
Piece by piece I feel like I am coming back to who I was...the happy girl that I feel like has been gone for so long.
This Time...
I'm starting to believe it doesn't exist for me
I don't think I'll ever be right
Or perfect enough
I always said it was better to feel
But this time I just want to be numb
Maybe this time the goodbye will be a forever one
Even though deep down inside I don't think I'm capable
This time I care too much
Made My Day...
I am loved...I think I know by who...but they insist on not putting their name on the card.
Thank you Secret Admirer...
Confession...
Confession. Looking at photgraphy blogs and bridal shoots kind of makes me sad. Sometimes when I go to my mom’s I look at my dress, and get sad inside. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever wear it.
You know how most girls spend their whole lives planning their weddings? Imagining what it would be like? I have never been able to picture myself married. Having children. Or even growing old. Maybe that is why I kind of went along with my engagement. I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel.
You know how most girls spend their whole lives planning their weddings? Imagining what it would be like? I have never been able to picture myself married. Having children. Or even growing old. Maybe that is why I kind of went along with my engagement. I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel.
And he said...
I read his blog as often as he posts...since the day his wife died.
"i used to laugh
at her, calling her:
“thief”
“junkie”
and countless other
words that
would have been less than
flattering if they’d
been overheard by
anyone around us.
but to her,
to us,
these words
were the way we
showed love.
it was the teasing
that made us smile,
because between us,
we both knew
that me calling her a
no calorie sweetener junkie
or a yellow packet thief
meant that i
noticed the little things,
that i knew
her better than
anyone else in the world."
One day...I'll find someone that loves me as much as he still loves her.
"i used to laugh
at her, calling her:
“thief”
“junkie”
and countless other
words that
would have been less than
flattering if they’d
been overheard by
anyone around us.
but to her,
to us,
these words
were the way we
showed love.
it was the teasing
that made us smile,
because between us,
we both knew
that me calling her a
no calorie sweetener junkie
or a yellow packet thief
meant that i
noticed the little things,
that i knew
her better than
anyone else in the world."
One day...I'll find someone that loves me as much as he still loves her.
Monday...
Couple of things for a Monday...
I don't understand people that make it such a point to want to be out of my life...then check my blog....daily. If you don't like me, don't want anything to do with me. Why do you want to know what is going on in my life?
This sleeping thing is really becoming an issue. Saturday night I decided I would try to just sleep on my own. Meaning non-medicated sleep. Instead I tossed and turned all night, resulting in maybe 2 hours of good sleep. I had a dream the other night that my hair was falling out in handfuls...so of course when I woke up I consulted Dr. Google...apparently it means..."Sense of having no control over a situation." I have racked my brain and have come to no conclusion as to what I feel I have no control over. But I do know there has to be something that is causing me not to sleep. All I know is I am ready to sleep well, not have a headache all the time, feel rested and relaxed...maybe someday.
I don't understand people that make it such a point to want to be out of my life...then check my blog....daily. If you don't like me, don't want anything to do with me. Why do you want to know what is going on in my life?
This sleeping thing is really becoming an issue. Saturday night I decided I would try to just sleep on my own. Meaning non-medicated sleep. Instead I tossed and turned all night, resulting in maybe 2 hours of good sleep. I had a dream the other night that my hair was falling out in handfuls...so of course when I woke up I consulted Dr. Google...apparently it means..."Sense of having no control over a situation." I have racked my brain and have come to no conclusion as to what I feel I have no control over. But I do know there has to be something that is causing me not to sleep. All I know is I am ready to sleep well, not have a headache all the time, feel rested and relaxed...maybe someday.
My Pups...
I haven't posted any pictures of the puppies for a bit...so here ya go. Most normal 25 year olds go out on Saturday nights...not me. I spent part of the night laying my mom mom's kitchen floor as she cooked taking picture so the dogs. Then decided to be productive by FINALLY hanging up 5 loads of laundry that have been laying on my bedroom floor for the past 4 weeks...yes I said 4 weeks. Now I am trying to catch up on editing photos...check out Samantha Jane for some cute pics of an adorable family....
Miss Sass (Sydnee) my little one...
Goodbye...
I said goodbye to someone the other night...
Someone for the past 5 years that has been in the back of my mind
I keep telling myself that the timing just wasn't right
That it will work out another time
But it has never seemed to be "our" time...
I said goodbye to someone the other night...
Someone that always seems to be going in different direction
I keep telling myself that next time with him will be different
That if it's meant to work out it will
But I have a hard time understanding why...
I said goodbye to someone the other night...
Someone that I hope will come back to me
I keep telling myself it might be for the best
That he couldn't give me enough
But in the back of my mind I know I am lying to myself...
Life As I See It Monthly Photo Challenge...
Okay so here is the "deal"...I thought it would be fun to do a photo challenge with whoever would like to participate!
Each month a topic will be posted on the blog and sent in an email to participants. You will have till the last day of the month at midnight (MST) to email your photo. If you are late you entry will not be eligible. To keep things anonymous and fair no names will be posted on photos and an outside sources will pick each topic and judge all photos. When the winners are chosen their name will be posted, ranked 1st 2nd and 3rd. If you wish to have your blog or website linking to the Challenge Blog please let me know and I can add it.
NO PHOTOSHOPPING or other digital manipulation. this contest is about photography, not about one's expertise with a graphical application. This does not apply to photographic techniques contained within a camera's abilities (i.e. a manual shutter release used at night to capture fireworks or moving traffic). Nor does it apply to CROPPING an image. Because of varying darkroom techniques, this usually happens in some form anyway and is therefore allowed here.
This challenge should be fun, force you to look at things differently and more creatively. The more the merrier, so feel free to forward on to your photog friends. If they are interested have them email me to be added to the distribution.
Let me know if you have any other questions!
Sammy
Each month a topic will be posted on the blog and sent in an email to participants. You will have till the last day of the month at midnight (MST) to email your photo. If you are late you entry will not be eligible. To keep things anonymous and fair no names will be posted on photos and an outside sources will pick each topic and judge all photos. When the winners are chosen their name will be posted, ranked 1st 2nd and 3rd. If you wish to have your blog or website linking to the Challenge Blog please let me know and I can add it.
NO PHOTOSHOPPING or other digital manipulation. this contest is about photography, not about one's expertise with a graphical application. This does not apply to photographic techniques contained within a camera's abilities (i.e. a manual shutter release used at night to capture fireworks or moving traffic). Nor does it apply to CROPPING an image. Because of varying darkroom techniques, this usually happens in some form anyway and is therefore allowed here.
This challenge should be fun, force you to look at things differently and more creatively. The more the merrier, so feel free to forward on to your photog friends. If they are interested have them email me to be added to the distribution.
Let me know if you have any other questions!
Sammy
Service Op...
Calling all photographer friends, make up artists and hair peeps, this is AH--MAZING!!!
SHARE IT, SIGN UP!!!
Watch the YOUTUBE video!
My favorite girl Kristen and her sis are wanting to organize this for SLC so let me know if you are interested in getting involved and helping out this holiday season!
If you don't live in ...Utah you can do it anywhere you are located!
http://www.help-portrait.com/#/contactHelp-Portrait
Love...
"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with?" -- Meet Joe Black
So what happens when you find this...and it slips through your fingers? Do we get another chance to make it right? Will someone else come along?
I don't believe that there is just one person out there for us. But I do believe that we can let the hurt, fear and emotion from past relationships cloud our judgement.
I am always the first to point this out in others when they are not being fair to me in a relationship. But I don't think I have ever really noticed how I do the same thing myself.
We all have walls and baggage. It's part of living life and the joys and pains associated with it. But if we never allow ourselves to have the passion for someone what do we really expect to end up with in the end?
So what happens when you find this...and it slips through your fingers? Do we get another chance to make it right? Will someone else come along?
I don't believe that there is just one person out there for us. But I do believe that we can let the hurt, fear and emotion from past relationships cloud our judgement.
I am always the first to point this out in others when they are not being fair to me in a relationship. But I don't think I have ever really noticed how I do the same thing myself.
We all have walls and baggage. It's part of living life and the joys and pains associated with it. But if we never allow ourselves to have the passion for someone what do we really expect to end up with in the end?
Past...
I know you can't find the future in the past.
But sometimes it haunts me.
And I can't seem to see the future.
But sometimes it haunts me.
And I can't seem to see the future.
Um...Vegas Take 2...and stuff...
So we are off to Vegas again this weekend for Halloween...
To answer your question Yes I intend on seeing Hot Bellagio Boy...we'll just call him HBB for future reference.
Check out my photo blog later today for pictures from last weekend! I'm still trying to figure out CS4...but practice makes perfect right?
On a completely different note...all stuff work related.
1st -- I have the best "cube" in our whole building. In fact it really isn't a cube per say...I have the best view. Out of 400+ folks...how did I end up with this view?? Total luck? Or brown nosing?? Who knows, but I love it. And I'm not complaining. Most people are stuck with 4 walls...I have an open cube and a view out 3 windows...
To answer your question Yes I intend on seeing Hot Bellagio Boy...we'll just call him HBB for future reference.
Check out my photo blog later today for pictures from last weekend! I'm still trying to figure out CS4...but practice makes perfect right?
On a completely different note...all stuff work related.
1st -- I have the best "cube" in our whole building. In fact it really isn't a cube per say...I have the best view. Out of 400+ folks...how did I end up with this view?? Total luck? Or brown nosing?? Who knows, but I love it. And I'm not complaining. Most people are stuck with 4 walls...I have an open cube and a view out 3 windows...
2nd -- I think I have an adiction to pens and post it's....want to know my secret? I take the packs and and take out the colors that I like...then give the ugly colors to my engineers. They don't care... :) Alex...if you read this don't tell on me!
3rd -- How am I supposed to get any work done when I have to stare at this picture all day...it just makes me want to go back to Santorini. In truth I am kind of sad that it is almost November because I'll have to turn the page...
PS...excuse the picture please. They were taken with my phone since I don't have my camera...
Road Trip Foto...
Last weekend I went to Vegas for a photography workshop. It was completely amazing. I learned so much. It gave me a totally new perspective on photography and I have been so excited to go out and use all the knowledge I gained.
Plus I met a freaking hot guy while I was there. And yes if he reads this I am going to be embarrassed. But he already caught me with my Facebook status from that night...so ya...haha. Oh well. :)
Below is a picture of the "girls" in front of the Bellagio...where I met the hot guy.
Plus I met a freaking hot guy while I was there. And yes if he reads this I am going to be embarrassed. But he already caught me with my Facebook status from that night...so ya...haha. Oh well. :)
Below is a picture of the "girls" in front of the Bellagio...where I met the hot guy.
Photos...
Love and Lost...
They say that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.
Falling in love is the easiest thing you will ever do. But losing that love, is one of the most painful things you can go through.
My biggest fear is losing that love. The one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Maybe that is why I haven't let myself fall completely in love again. It hurts too badly when it ends.
I have become an expert at sabotaging my own happiness. I seem to know all the right things to say and do. The right guys to date, and more importantly the ones I shouldn't.
I know the one that changed me. And I think I kind of knew after him that it would be virtually impossible for me to let someone get that close again. I was close this year...close to loving like that again...
Is there a point that the heartache dulls in your mind?
Will the fear fade?
I know at some point I will trust someone again. That I'll let myself go and just love without hesitation. And be so totally consumed by love that it isn't just needing that person....it is knowing that we don't need to rush, because we have eternity...and that is a very long time.
Flu Shot...
Sleep...
Sleep, what's that?
The lack of sleep continues. The headache has continued. I finally had enough and went to the doc. He gave me meds. Strong ones. They kind of scare me. haha. I think I'll take it at like 8 tonight and so I actually wake up in the morning.
Hopefully I will be a new person, less headache, more concentration, not about to fall asleep at any given moment. Maybe sleep is the key to not being so emotional...guess we'll see.
The lack of sleep continues. The headache has continued. I finally had enough and went to the doc. He gave me meds. Strong ones. They kind of scare me. haha. I think I'll take it at like 8 tonight and so I actually wake up in the morning.
Hopefully I will be a new person, less headache, more concentration, not about to fall asleep at any given moment. Maybe sleep is the key to not being so emotional...guess we'll see.
Reflection...
At this time last year...
I was dating a boy, and I freaked out and dumped him. Sometimes I regret that. He is now married.
I was about to start dating the boy I ended up engaged to...we all know how that turned out. (a lot less bling, and a lonely left finger)
I had just gotten back from a life changing trip to Greece.
I moved back to my old job, that I love.
I was going on a trip to Palm Springs with my best friends. Who are no longer my friends.
I stayed home for Halloween.
This year...
I am not dating anyone.
We are headed to Vegas for Halloween...
I am still working that job I love with a new boss...that isn't used to my sass yet.
I am about 10 pounds lighter.
I am happy.
I was dating a boy, and I freaked out and dumped him. Sometimes I regret that. He is now married.
I was about to start dating the boy I ended up engaged to...we all know how that turned out. (a lot less bling, and a lonely left finger)
I had just gotten back from a life changing trip to Greece.
I moved back to my old job, that I love.
I was going on a trip to Palm Springs with my best friends. Who are no longer my friends.
I stayed home for Halloween.
This year...
I am not dating anyone.
We are headed to Vegas for Halloween...
I am still working that job I love with a new boss...that isn't used to my sass yet.
I am about 10 pounds lighter.
I am happy.
Sometimes...
Some days the writing and photography aren't enough to drowned it out...and it consumes me.
We went to shoot today. And for the first time my head wasn't in it. I had a few good shots. But spent most of the night just staring at this building. And as I sat there a calm came over me. And for those moments the rest of it all kind of faded away.
Um...
Is it strange that in kindergarten that I was watching MTV and Madonna's "Like a Prayer" was my favorite song and video?
Amusing...
An amusing conversation I had with one of my engineers today after someone gave me a big chocolate brownie...
Them -- "If I die I want to come back in a body like yours"
Me -- "That would mean you'd have to be a women. I don't recommend it. You feel like a crazy person 95% of the time."
Them -- "Well that's not really what I meant but one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I was speaking more to your metabolism"
Them -- "If I die I want to come back in a body like yours"
Me -- "That would mean you'd have to be a women. I don't recommend it. You feel like a crazy person 95% of the time."
Them -- "Well that's not really what I meant but one of the funniest things I've ever heard. I was speaking more to your metabolism"
...
"...You know me, oh you think you do you just don't seem to see
I've been waiting all this time to be, something I can't define..."
Truth...
Honesty is the best policy.
I have heard this my whole life. I always try to be honest with those around me. I have had moments, not proud ones, that I hid the truth longer than I should have. But it ate away at me until I came clean.
Sometimes in life we don't have the oppertunity to "come clean". Sometimes others do it for us. Is that fair? Should you give someone the oppertunity to be truthful?
My question is: Does it matter how the truth comes out as long as it does?
I have heard this my whole life. I always try to be honest with those around me. I have had moments, not proud ones, that I hid the truth longer than I should have. But it ate away at me until I came clean.
Sometimes in life we don't have the oppertunity to "come clean". Sometimes others do it for us. Is that fair? Should you give someone the oppertunity to be truthful?
My question is: Does it matter how the truth comes out as long as it does?
Ignorance...
Is it strange that I don't want an old friend to find out the truth? I know finding out would possibly mend our broken friendship, but it would destroy her life.
Is ignorance really bliss?
Demand...
Some say I am demanding...Some say I just know what I want... -- ME
I have been called demanding so many times in my life. Maybe I am. But is it so bad to know what you want? To not settle for anything else?
I am passionate about things that are important to me.
I don't do things halfway. It's all or nothing. This can be good and bad.
I don't realize I am stressed till it is too late and I break. Writing expresses that emotion. Photography helps me see...seeing things through the lens causes you to see life differently. I never want to lose that perspective. Finding beauty in the small things.
I have been called demanding so many times in my life. Maybe I am. But is it so bad to know what you want? To not settle for anything else?
I am passionate about things that are important to me.
I don't do things halfway. It's all or nothing. This can be good and bad.
I don't realize I am stressed till it is too late and I break. Writing expresses that emotion. Photography helps me see...seeing things through the lens causes you to see life differently. I never want to lose that perspective. Finding beauty in the small things.
A moment. A look. A touch. An emotion.
On that note, I am starting a photography blog. I have all my images on Flickr, but I have had friends, family and other random folks ask me to start a blog. I want to keep my images and blog separate. So if you are interested you can follow me...if not, then you don't have to look.
www.Samantha-Jane-Images.blogspot.com
"...people say they need to express their emotions...Photography doesn`t teach you to express your emotions it teaches you to see." -- Berenice Abbott
Vegas Baby...
WE
Are going to Vegas in 14 days to an amazing Photography Workshop....
I am so excited I can barley handle it!
...
A wise girl kisses but doesn't love, listens but doesn't believe, and leaves before she is left... -- Marilyn Monroe
A feeling through Lyric...
Vanilla Twilight : Owl City
The stars lean down to kiss you,
And I lie awake I miss you,
Pour me a heavy dose of atmosphere.
Cause I'll doze off safe and soundly,
But I'll miss your arms around me
I'll send a postcard to you dear,
Cause I wish you were here.
I'll watch the night turn light blue,
But it's not the same without you,
Because it takes two to whisper quietly,
The silence isn't so bad,
Till I look at my hands and feel sad,
Cause the spaces between my fingers
Are right where yours fit perfectly.
I'll find repose in new ways,
Though I haven't slept in two days,
Cause cold nostalgia chills me to the bone.
But drenched in Vanilla twilight,
I'll sit on the front porch all night,
Waist deep in thought because when I think of you.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
I don't feel so alone.
As many times as I blink I'll think of you... tonight.
I'll think of you tonight.
When violet eyes get brighter,
And heavy wings grow lighter,
I'll taste the sky and feel alive again.
And I'll forget the world that I knew,
But I swear I won't forget you,
Oh if my voice could reach back through the past,
I'd whisper in your ear,
Oh darling I wish you were here.
Head First...
A friend said to me the other day, you always go into relationships head first.
I know this about myself. I know that I dive in, and rarely look back. This causes a lot of heartache. But I don't know how to do it any differently. I am either all in or all out. This causes so freak outs on my part. Usually resulting in me feeling like a crazy girl. I had one of those this week...and I regret it.
I know this about myself. I know that I dive in, and rarely look back. This causes a lot of heartache. But I don't know how to do it any differently. I am either all in or all out. This causes so freak outs on my part. Usually resulting in me feeling like a crazy girl. I had one of those this week...and I regret it.
Can't Lie...
This was on a friends FB and I needed a break...so here ya go.
1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Chocolate
2.Where was your profile picture taken? Saltair, by the Great SLC
3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Yes, but not well
4.Name someone who made you laugh today? My Engineers
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? 11 -- couldn't fall asleep
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Sure why not, but I would want to come back.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Yep
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Ree or Ash...they live across the hall and through the wall.
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? Yep
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? Fountain...
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Probably in June...
12. Who took your profile picture? Phatty D
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? My Cousin's little Girl Addi, see my flickr
14. Was yesterday better than today? Yes my headache is gone!
15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes
16. Are you upset about anything? Not today...but maybe later.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Yes
18. Are you a bad influence? No way.
19. Night out or night in? Either. Depends on how I am feeling that day
20. What items could you not go without during the day? Diet Pepsi and Water
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I can't remember!
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? How about 6:30, and where should I pick you up at?
23. How do you feel about your life right now? Good :)
24. Do you hate anyone? Nope, wasted emotion
25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find? Random messages, nothing too interesting
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Yes
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? yes
28. What song is stuck in your head? Lady Gaga songs. haha
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? A hot boy.
30.Wanna have grand kids before you’re 50? No.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Photog class!
32. Do you think too much or too little? TOO MUCH!
33. Do you smile a lot? Yep!
1.What was the last thing you put in your mouth? Chocolate
2.Where was your profile picture taken? Saltair, by the Great SLC
3.Can you play Guitar Hero? Yes, but not well
4.Name someone who made you laugh today? My Engineers
5.How late did you stay up last night and why? 11 -- couldn't fall asleep
6.If you could move somewhere else, would you? Sure why not, but I would want to come back.
7. Ever been kissed under fireworks? Yep
8. Which of your friends lives closest to you? Ree or Ash...they live across the hall and through the wall.
9. Do you believe ex's can be friends? Yep
10. How do you feel about Dr Pepper? Fountain...
11. When was the last time you cried really hard? Probably in June...
12. Who took your profile picture? Phatty D
13. Who was the last person you took a picture of? My Cousin's little Girl Addi, see my flickr
14. Was yesterday better than today? Yes my headache is gone!
15. Can you live a day without TV? Yes
16. Are you upset about anything? Not today...but maybe later.
17. Do you think relationships are ever really worth it? Yes
18. Are you a bad influence? No way.
19. Night out or night in? Either. Depends on how I am feeling that day
20. What items could you not go without during the day? Diet Pepsi and Water
21. Who was the last person you visited in the hospital? I can't remember!
22. What does the last text message in your inbox say? How about 6:30, and where should I pick you up at?
23. How do you feel about your life right now? Good :)
24. Do you hate anyone? Nope, wasted emotion
25. If we were to look in your facebook inbox, what would we find? Random messages, nothing too interesting
26. Say you were given a drug test right now, would you pass? Yes
27. Has anyone ever called you perfect before? yes
28. What song is stuck in your head? Lady Gaga songs. haha
29. Someone knocks on your window at 2:00 a.m., who do you want it to be? A hot boy.
30.Wanna have grand kids before you’re 50? No.
31. Name something you have to do tomorrow? Photog class!
32. Do you think too much or too little? TOO MUCH!
33. Do you smile a lot? Yep!
Trappers...
Friday night I wanted to try out my new computer...so of course that meant we had to go and shoot a few pics to mess around with :) We drove up to Trappers Loop, right below Snowbasin. I love that drive. It is 20 minutes, and you feel like you are a world away. I think I have found something I love as much as writing...
Monday...
So I have had a migraine for the past 5+ days. I say plus because I really can't remember when it started...just that it is really annoying and I am sick of my head hurting all of the time. To be honest I think it is related to sleep. I haven't been sleeping well again...well that is unless I take a pill before I go to sleep. This to me says that I am far more stressed then I am letting myself believe.
It snowed again...and I LOVE it...I guess that is the one good thing in my life right now. Ski season is rapidly approaching and I need to start getting my fat butt in shape or I am going to die on the mountain!
Good news...my windshield is no longer leaking...and they gave me free windshield wiper blades! I didn't even notice till I was driving yesterday and I realized they looked different. haha.
I got a new iMac...I don't love it yet...probably because I don't know how to use it yet...But once I figure it out...I am sure I will love it. I have many photo's to post to my flickr...but I need to finish editing some of them...which means I need to figure out my new program!
Today I got hit on at the gas station. I had left and he actually had the lady come out to my car to get me. For a second I thought that maybe she thought I stole something. But then he asked if I was single. I lied. I said I had a boyfriend. He asked if he was made of glass...I gave him a blank stare...he said "so he won't break when you drop him for me"...I gave a courtesy laugh and left...awkward...I still feel bad for lying.
It snowed again...and I LOVE it...I guess that is the one good thing in my life right now. Ski season is rapidly approaching and I need to start getting my fat butt in shape or I am going to die on the mountain!
Good news...my windshield is no longer leaking...and they gave me free windshield wiper blades! I didn't even notice till I was driving yesterday and I realized they looked different. haha.
I got a new iMac...I don't love it yet...probably because I don't know how to use it yet...But once I figure it out...I am sure I will love it. I have many photo's to post to my flickr...but I need to finish editing some of them...which means I need to figure out my new program!
Today I got hit on at the gas station. I had left and he actually had the lady come out to my car to get me. For a second I thought that maybe she thought I stole something. But then he asked if I was single. I lied. I said I had a boyfriend. He asked if he was made of glass...I gave him a blank stare...he said "so he won't break when you drop him for me"...I gave a courtesy laugh and left...awkward...I still feel bad for lying.
Slacking...
I have been a blogger slacker. I have been so busy at work and home that I haven't even had time to think about it. There have been so many things this week that have just made me frustrated and a bit irritable.
First things first. My windshield....so 2 months ago I went in to have my windshield replaced, you would think that would be easy?? Not so much. First trip they ordered the wrong one...second trip they took 2 hours to install it...third trip because it was leaking...forth because it was still leaking...fifth to get replaced, and they didn't even schedule the appointment...and now sixth to actually have it installed. Seriously....Ugh.
Secondly....dating sucks. I am good at the beginning part, the time before you start dating. Before you know if they are interested in you. I am horrible at the second part...the time when you are dating and dating other people. When you don't know how much they like you, or if things are going to go anywhere. And then I am great at being in a relationship. I am in the in between stage...and it is miserable.
The one good thing that happened this week?? I snowed! I am so excited. I am a child of winter...Let the count down begin....about 55 days till the ski season begins!!!!!!!
First things first. My windshield....so 2 months ago I went in to have my windshield replaced, you would think that would be easy?? Not so much. First trip they ordered the wrong one...second trip they took 2 hours to install it...third trip because it was leaking...forth because it was still leaking...fifth to get replaced, and they didn't even schedule the appointment...and now sixth to actually have it installed. Seriously....Ugh.
Secondly....dating sucks. I am good at the beginning part, the time before you start dating. Before you know if they are interested in you. I am horrible at the second part...the time when you are dating and dating other people. When you don't know how much they like you, or if things are going to go anywhere. And then I am great at being in a relationship. I am in the in between stage...and it is miserable.
The one good thing that happened this week?? I snowed! I am so excited. I am a child of winter...Let the count down begin....about 55 days till the ski season begins!!!!!!!
Looking For...
A friend posted this on his Facebook...I loved it.
"if you cannot handle me at my absolute worst, then why should i spoil you with my absolute best?"
Why is it that when you date someone that the second things get hard, emotional, a little rocky they bail? When things are sugary and perfect they will stick around. Why do we waste so much time trying to hide these things from the other person? Hiding who we really are?
Everyone has good days and really bad ones. But it isn't till we are so deep in a relationship that we really let ourselves be who we are?
"finding one's counterpoint in another, that's true love"
What am I looking for? I ask myself this question a lot. What do I want out of a partner...In a relationship...I want someone I can be honest with. Someone that loves me, my analytical side. Because I analyze every and anything. My emotional side. The days that I need so much reassurance it is pathetic. The days that I am so excited I can't contain it. My need for things...to the point that it becomes an obsession. (ie my camera). Someone that sees me for who I am really am, and loves me for my inadequacies. Someone that will hold my hand when I am 80 years old and look at me like he did when I was 30. Someone that can stand by my side, hold me up when I can't stand any longer, and isn't afraid to let me hold them up.
I want something real...the can't eat, can't sleep, can't live without kind of love. Because regardless of what anyone says it is still out there. I'm not looking for someone to complete me...just someone to compliment me.
"if you cannot handle me at my absolute worst, then why should i spoil you with my absolute best?"
Why is it that when you date someone that the second things get hard, emotional, a little rocky they bail? When things are sugary and perfect they will stick around. Why do we waste so much time trying to hide these things from the other person? Hiding who we really are?
Everyone has good days and really bad ones. But it isn't till we are so deep in a relationship that we really let ourselves be who we are?
"finding one's counterpoint in another, that's true love"
What am I looking for? I ask myself this question a lot. What do I want out of a partner...In a relationship...I want someone I can be honest with. Someone that loves me, my analytical side. Because I analyze every and anything. My emotional side. The days that I need so much reassurance it is pathetic. The days that I am so excited I can't contain it. My need for things...to the point that it becomes an obsession. (ie my camera). Someone that sees me for who I am really am, and loves me for my inadequacies. Someone that will hold my hand when I am 80 years old and look at me like he did when I was 30. Someone that can stand by my side, hold me up when I can't stand any longer, and isn't afraid to let me hold them up.
I want something real...the can't eat, can't sleep, can't live without kind of love. Because regardless of what anyone says it is still out there. I'm not looking for someone to complete me...just someone to compliment me.
I miss her...
She has been living with my mom due to my renting situation. I go and see her a couple times a week. But I miss the little Sass. Today I went over to play with my new polarized lense and she was so excited to see me...she was going nuts running around. Then she sits and looks at me with those eyes and I have a hard time leaving...
Randomness for a Monday Night...
I write a lot.
Usually just in my mind.
Sometimes I let it out...onto paper.
But by writing down it makes the words real.
And in a sense the emotions real.
I sometimes struggle with letting people so far in my head, into my thoughts, my emotion.
But then in moments I feel liberated by it.
Usually just in my mind.
Sometimes I let it out...onto paper.
But by writing down it makes the words real.
And in a sense the emotions real.
I sometimes struggle with letting people so far in my head, into my thoughts, my emotion.
But then in moments I feel liberated by it.
I have decided its time to let my guard down.
To stop keeping people at a distance.
And by people I mean person.
Guess we'll see how this one goes...
Over...
I want to believe I am over you
But every day there is a another reminder
Now we have been apart longer then we were together
But every day there is a another reminder
Now we have been apart longer then we were together
You have to think of me...
In the back of my mind I've kept you
No one knows
I try to take control
I don't know if I have the strength this time
Filling my time with distractions
As many as I can find
But still you are there
And I hope some day you will leave...
Tony Grove...
I uploaded most of the the pictures from this weekend to my Flickr...you can link to it on the right. But I wanted to share my favorites from this weekend...
Annoyed...
Why do people have to open their mouths when they don't know what they are talking about? Why do they insist on saying and doing things when they don't have the facts? Why do people that aren't even my friends insist on sticking their noses in my business? And my family's business? It is so annoying. It is one thing to ask...another to assume.
If you are wondering...just ask. Please.
If you are wondering...just ask. Please.
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