Sometimes it's just not enough...

Sometimes love is just not enough

Sometimes we are just not enough

And Sometimes that is okay...

I have held on to something for the past 5 years that I think I knew wouldn't work. Or maybe that I couldn't handle it working. I think that part of me can't handle the thought of things working out or going well. If things go well, that means at some point they have to go badly. And the higher you are, the harder you fall.

As a lot of you know I was a "non eater" for many years. Many being around 10 with small periods of "recovery". This was my control mechanism. You see when things in my life got out of control I could control what went into my body. It gave me power, strength and a "high". It has been about 5 years since I would say since I had real issues with it. Yes every day is a battle, some days are easier than others. I give you this history for one reason...I think I try to take control in relationships. I know what it takes to make them end. With this being said I don't necessarily want them to end. But it is kind of like what I said before...if I can control when the fall is going to happen, I can keep it from hurting so badly.

This is why the second that things seem to go badly I pull away. I cause an issue. I bring a subject that I know will cause issues, or freak out over something so small. I know that it is self destructive, and in some ways, I think it is a supplement to the eating disorder. But it gives me some sort of power and control in a situation that I feel I would have none.

I'm not really sure what it will take for me to get over it. Or what it will take for me to realize that I honestly deserve to be happy in a relationship...