a life...

how do you summarize a life
a feeling
the pain

i have tried to put into words the impact that you had on my life
words just do not do justice
but i do know a few things
i miss you every moment of every single day
you left a huge hole in my life
in my heart

i wish i could have saved you
the way you saved me – so very many times
even just once

you touched every life that you walked into
with such light - even when it was so dark for you
you gave me hope – and peace

you are with me
in my heart
mind
soul

until we meet again
i will carry you in my heart d
always

d...

i miss you. 
your smile. 
smirk. laugh. 

my heart hurts. 
eyes burn. 
thoughts race. 

you left me. 
alone. 
without a goodbye. 

i carry you in my heart. 
one day. one moment. at a time. 
always .


this thing.

there is this thing within me.
it makes me think of you.
miss you.

silent. 
still.
dreams come. 
go.
memories fade.
you remain.
constant.

in me.
part of me.
i hate. 
to love you. 

yet. 
long to have you. 
forever the one.
i turn to.

always in me. 
with me. 
my control. 

you alone are mine. 
i am yours. 
forever. 

the right kind of wrong...



we are so perfect…and so wrong for one another
i like the idea of “us”
in fact i kind of love it
maybe that is the issue…

in so many ways i think we are what the other needs
but is it possible to have too much passion?
not just the bedroom kind – but the life kind…

you asked if i know how much you like me
i don’t...
or perhaps i do and don’t trust it
not that i don’t trust you
but more that it would stay that way
that much – forever

i can’t begin to explain the confusion in me
i always know – what i feel, what i want
you changed it.
all of it.

i am strong – unemotional
you could make me cry

i like you – i dare say i would fall in love with you…quickly
we have too much in common
we would kill each other
we have too much passion
you would feed my crazy
we would be perfect lovers & friends
we would never be comfortable –
we are like fire and gasoline…

we had a moment – but we didn’t know what to do with it
but i don’t think it has passed
i think it needs time – the right time
and i don’t know if that we tried now it would work
but i do want to try…
i am afraid that it will fade though
and you will change your mind
about me…us

i feel like i need to date him
not because i think it will work
but because i need to know it won’t
i think he needs that as well…
it’s not fair – i know
but i know that is what i need to do

i am not going to ask you to wait for me
because that’s not fair…or right
and i don’t want to know about your “girls”
because it hurts…

but i do think we will have our time…
and i think both of our lives will change as a result
and we will want to come home to each other
and i will probably spill on your  couches too often
and we will have more passion & love then most people dream about
but it needs to be at the right time…

as much as we both want it to be now
i don’t think either of us is ready…
and we would mess it up

i’m not really sure what i am saying…
but i guess i am saying…i like you…
a lot…

you terrify me... 

3 years...

it really is crazy how fast time goes by...

three years ago today i was proposed to  
by an amazing man
i feel so blessed to have had him in my life
even if it was for a short period of time

i wasn't engaged for long
in fact it was only about 3 weeks

this date has not bothered me the previous 2 years
but this year...
it is such a strange feeling
i feel....sad

not in missing him
or even wishing i would have stayed

i want to be married 
i want nothing more in the world than to have a family

eliminate the insane schedule that i try to keep
i want simple life
to take care of someone
let them take care of me

perhaps it is the fear of rejection that keeps me from getting that close
knowing that they could hurt me
leave
break me

how is it that people can just let go
meet - fall - marry
i honestly don't get it

i have incredible friends
and loves...
i am blessed
and happy...

i guess what it comes down to is
i am ready for the next stage...
if i can let go...
let it happen

falling...

falling in love
it sounds so simple
effortless

the simple story of boy meets girl...
but life is never simple

boy meets girl
girl falls
boy pretends

girl try's to hold on
boy lets go
girl try's harder

boy leaves
girl cries
boy moves on

.  .  .  .  .  .  .

trust...

“you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself.” 
 - Marilyn Monroe

I love the meaning that you can find in a few simple words. 

Trust. 
What does it really mean?
It will change from one moment to the next. 

Others will disappoint you. 
Let you down.
Break your heart. 
Betray you. 
Unknowingly - Unintentionally 

Trust.
It's believing in yourself. 
It's trusting in God. 
That when it all does fall apart. 
And you are left broken. 
That you will be okay. 

year...

i have this voice of passion within me
that will not be silenced
it fights for something more

more life
more love
more heart

it wants to feel all the bad
the dirty and ugly
the part we hide…even from ourselves

it yearns to document them
see them
hold them close
and feel them
become part of them

.  .  .  .  .  .  .  .

i thrive capturing emotion
passion
moments
my goal for this year  
to see it
in natural form
the dark grit
the photographs that make you feel

i want emotion
i want to feel it
i want pain, joy, confusion, clarity
i want it all
in life we have highs
and lows
 moments that are perfect
more that aren't

 put our hearts in
attempt to take them out
 get hurt
 hurt others

 show our strength
hide our weakness
put up walls
hide tears

 say one thing
but  mean another
show our worst
hoping they deserve our best

all it takes is for one
to prove it all wrong
to stay
to fight

live...

a couple weeks ago we buried my cousin
she was 24...

sometimes life is far too short
sometimes life is too painful 

no parent should bury their child
especially a child so young...

my heart aches for my uncle
i cry thinking of his pain...

life is short
we really should learn to live while we can...