I have had a lot of best friends through out my life. Some have turned out to be truly that and will be in my life forever. Others were the kind that the second you got out of the car they began to talk about you. I have had some that have betrayed me, and others that will stand by my side no matter what. I don't regret any of these relationships because they have all taught me something. And they will always be a part of me.
A couple months ago I blogged about friends betrayal. The pain and following break down. These friends were like sisters to me. Do I think they caused my breakdown? No. But do I believe they were the last straw? Yes.
Since that time I have had a lot of time to evaluate my relationships and friendships with others. You see I am amazing at pretending everything in life is great and that things don't bother me. But I never really deal with anything. I just kind of put it in a little box in the back of my head for later. This presents 2 problems.
1 - I believe it makes you more of an emotional person.
2 - You have to deal with it at some point.
Well I think that is what happened. I dealt with 25 years of emotion in one week. It was less then awesome. It was probably to date one of the hardest things I have had to go through. As I sat at work on that Tuesday reading a good-bye email I didn't want to have to read from a man that I loved I realized I couldn't breathe. I coudn't move. All I could do is cry. It was in that moment that I picked up calling the doctors office, I'm not sure how I had the presence of mind to call, but I did. My doctor was out of town, but another doctor in the office was able to get me in 15 minutes later. I sent my boss an email and was out the door. In the doctors office I cried, I was in a full blown anxiety attack and was trying to keep some sort composure.
I have never felt that helpless. I hadn't eaten in three days. Hadn't slept in a week and I was throwing up because the anxiety made my stomach so uneasy. My body was trembling, and my heart rate was over 120. It is strange to look back on that moment, because although it was me it feels like it was all a dream.
After the doctors office I went to my mom's house. I am not really sure how I made it there. I really should not have been driving. When I arrived I tried to explain the situation. She tried to get me calmed down, gave me some of the meds from the doctor and a sleeping pill. I stayed on that couch for the next week. In the morning I would try to get up and go to work, only to end up back laying down shaking from the anxiety. It was the following Monday I was able to return to work. I was still a mess. Most mornings throwing up before I left for work. Not eating. Crying at the worst moments, and taking a xanax every 4 hours just to make it through the day. It was the first time in my life that I couldn't even write about the emotion because I couldn't process it.
As the days went on I gradually took myself off the xanax, hoping that the next day would be the day I didn't need any. And one day I woke up 15 pounds lighter, and I didn't need them. I began to talk to that man again in hopes that things would end up working themselves out. And for a moment I truly believed that they would. My life felt like it was going to come back together, minus my best friend. At that point I still had so much pain I was okay with that. As the days past and as I evaluated what I wanted out of my life and how that man treated me. And I came to one conclusion. He didn't love me. And he never would love me the way I needed to be loved. And that best friend would never be back in my life.
Figuring out and embracing who you are is scary. Letting go of the past and dealing with that emotion is terrifying.
Yes sometimes I still think of that man, but I don't miss him anymore. But as for that best friend I am pretty sure I will miss her for the rest of my life. But we are better off apart. People come into your life for a reason or a season....and our season has past.
A couple months ago I blogged about friends betrayal. The pain and following break down. These friends were like sisters to me. Do I think they caused my breakdown? No. But do I believe they were the last straw? Yes.
Since that time I have had a lot of time to evaluate my relationships and friendships with others. You see I am amazing at pretending everything in life is great and that things don't bother me. But I never really deal with anything. I just kind of put it in a little box in the back of my head for later. This presents 2 problems.
1 - I believe it makes you more of an emotional person.
2 - You have to deal with it at some point.
Well I think that is what happened. I dealt with 25 years of emotion in one week. It was less then awesome. It was probably to date one of the hardest things I have had to go through. As I sat at work on that Tuesday reading a good-bye email I didn't want to have to read from a man that I loved I realized I couldn't breathe. I coudn't move. All I could do is cry. It was in that moment that I picked up calling the doctors office, I'm not sure how I had the presence of mind to call, but I did. My doctor was out of town, but another doctor in the office was able to get me in 15 minutes later. I sent my boss an email and was out the door. In the doctors office I cried, I was in a full blown anxiety attack and was trying to keep some sort composure.
I have never felt that helpless. I hadn't eaten in three days. Hadn't slept in a week and I was throwing up because the anxiety made my stomach so uneasy. My body was trembling, and my heart rate was over 120. It is strange to look back on that moment, because although it was me it feels like it was all a dream.
After the doctors office I went to my mom's house. I am not really sure how I made it there. I really should not have been driving. When I arrived I tried to explain the situation. She tried to get me calmed down, gave me some of the meds from the doctor and a sleeping pill. I stayed on that couch for the next week. In the morning I would try to get up and go to work, only to end up back laying down shaking from the anxiety. It was the following Monday I was able to return to work. I was still a mess. Most mornings throwing up before I left for work. Not eating. Crying at the worst moments, and taking a xanax every 4 hours just to make it through the day. It was the first time in my life that I couldn't even write about the emotion because I couldn't process it.
As the days went on I gradually took myself off the xanax, hoping that the next day would be the day I didn't need any. And one day I woke up 15 pounds lighter, and I didn't need them. I began to talk to that man again in hopes that things would end up working themselves out. And for a moment I truly believed that they would. My life felt like it was going to come back together, minus my best friend. At that point I still had so much pain I was okay with that. As the days past and as I evaluated what I wanted out of my life and how that man treated me. And I came to one conclusion. He didn't love me. And he never would love me the way I needed to be loved. And that best friend would never be back in my life.
Figuring out and embracing who you are is scary. Letting go of the past and dealing with that emotion is terrifying.
Yes sometimes I still think of that man, but I don't miss him anymore. But as for that best friend I am pretty sure I will miss her for the rest of my life. But we are better off apart. People come into your life for a reason or a season....and our season has past.
My heart ached for you reading this post! I am so glad that you were able to get over that. I could never imagine the pain you felt and I admire your strength to get through it a better person!
ReplyDeletemaybe you didn't quite understand why you had to go through this... or even the purpose thereof- but reading this seems clear to me. its to give people (like me) who have very little left to keep them from discouragement, and give them something as great as hope (which happens to be the anchor of our souls...) I feel like i had nothing left, but reading and trying to understand another perspective has at least given me some sort of baring to make it through...
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