Vague...

I tend to blog in rather vague terms. I think I have always done it to protect the other people. Or maybe it has been to protect me? I don't know. Anyhow enough with being vague. What is going on with me...

I had started hanging out again with a "friend". We have dated on and off for the past 5 years. It seemed like things always came back to him. I think everyone has had one of those people in their life. But this time it was different. This time he was honest with me. He told me how much he cared about me. How he would want to marry me. How he has always had feelings for me. Things seemed to be going so well. Then it all fell apart. Things with his family started happening...his stress and schedule went to overload. I started to feel like an obligation, ignored, and like a burden. I pulled away. I told him when he wasn't so busy, when he could make time for me to call...I didn't expect to hear from him. I started dating other people. I found one that I actually liked. We started to spend time together, having a great time...and then he texted again. And what did I do? I went running back.

That night I showed him the blog from the night I said goodbye to him. He felt horrible. We started talking every day. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. Things were going so well. I was happy. And then I felt him begin to pull away again. Same excuses as before. Family, stress, school, work...not wanting to pull me into it all. To me this is a cop out...If you want to be with someone...you fight. You fight to be together. It's not easy...but when you love them...you flight for them. I tried to fight. And when I realized I couldn't fight anymore...that he wasn't fighting too...I asked the question that I knew would end it.

I cried. I took an Ambein. I went in the living room and fell asleep on the couch. I wanted to be numb. I wasn't. I could still feel it all. That night is when I wrote this blog.... The next day we talked...and solved nothing. I talked about how I felt, what I wanted. He told me we could only be friends for now. I told him he didn't love me like he had said he did, that I couldn't just be friends with him. I kept coming back to something being the matter wtih me. But then I realized something....this time it really wasn't me...I really honestly had given it everything I had...

I can't just be his friend. I have too many feelings and emotions. He can't be with me because he doesn't have the emotional engery right now...I want someone that gives me that energy even when they don't have it. I want someone that is going to fight for me...even when I am trying to pull away...because I am worth fighting for. I want someone that wants to hold my hand. That can't be in the same room with me without wanting to touch me. That wants everyone to know they are with me. I don't want to always be the one giving...and feeling like I never get anything in return.

So why is it if he called me today...I would still go back?

Sometimes it's just not enough...

Sometimes love is just not enough

Sometimes we are just not enough

And Sometimes that is okay...

I have held on to something for the past 5 years that I think I knew wouldn't work. Or maybe that I couldn't handle it working. I think that part of me can't handle the thought of things working out or going well. If things go well, that means at some point they have to go badly. And the higher you are, the harder you fall.

As a lot of you know I was a "non eater" for many years. Many being around 10 with small periods of "recovery". This was my control mechanism. You see when things in my life got out of control I could control what went into my body. It gave me power, strength and a "high". It has been about 5 years since I would say since I had real issues with it. Yes every day is a battle, some days are easier than others. I give you this history for one reason...I think I try to take control in relationships. I know what it takes to make them end. With this being said I don't necessarily want them to end. But it is kind of like what I said before...if I can control when the fall is going to happen, I can keep it from hurting so badly.

This is why the second that things seem to go badly I pull away. I cause an issue. I bring a subject that I know will cause issues, or freak out over something so small. I know that it is self destructive, and in some ways, I think it is a supplement to the eating disorder. But it gives me some sort of power and control in a situation that I feel I would have none.

I'm not really sure what it will take for me to get over it. Or what it will take for me to realize that I honestly deserve to be happy in a relationship...

Piece by Piece...

"We have to distrust each other. It's our only defense against betrayal." -- Tennessee Williams

I feel as though I have learned this over and over again this year. I like to believe the best in people, give everyone the benefit of the doubt. I have few people in life that are really close to me...why is it always those people that end up hurting us the most.

I think it has taken me until now, 6 months later to realize how deep that cut was. And I feel like it is slowly beginning to heal.

Piece by piece I feel like I am coming back to who I was...the happy girl that I feel like has been gone for so long.

This Time...

I'm starting to believe it doesn't exist for me

I don't think I'll ever be right

Or perfect enough

I always said it was better to feel

But this time I just want to be numb

Maybe this time the goodbye will be a forever one

Even though deep down inside I don't think I'm capable

This time I care too much