Vague...

I tend to blog in rather vague terms. I think I have always done it to protect the other people. Or maybe it has been to protect me? I don't know. Anyhow enough with being vague. What is going on with me...

I had started hanging out again with a "friend". We have dated on and off for the past 5 years. It seemed like things always came back to him. I think everyone has had one of those people in their life. But this time it was different. This time he was honest with me. He told me how much he cared about me. How he would want to marry me. How he has always had feelings for me. Things seemed to be going so well. Then it all fell apart. Things with his family started happening...his stress and schedule went to overload. I started to feel like an obligation, ignored, and like a burden. I pulled away. I told him when he wasn't so busy, when he could make time for me to call...I didn't expect to hear from him. I started dating other people. I found one that I actually liked. We started to spend time together, having a great time...and then he texted again. And what did I do? I went running back.

That night I showed him the blog from the night I said goodbye to him. He felt horrible. We started talking every day. He told me he loved me. I told him I loved him. Things were going so well. I was happy. And then I felt him begin to pull away again. Same excuses as before. Family, stress, school, work...not wanting to pull me into it all. To me this is a cop out...If you want to be with someone...you fight. You fight to be together. It's not easy...but when you love them...you flight for them. I tried to fight. And when I realized I couldn't fight anymore...that he wasn't fighting too...I asked the question that I knew would end it.

I cried. I took an Ambein. I went in the living room and fell asleep on the couch. I wanted to be numb. I wasn't. I could still feel it all. That night is when I wrote this blog.... The next day we talked...and solved nothing. I talked about how I felt, what I wanted. He told me we could only be friends for now. I told him he didn't love me like he had said he did, that I couldn't just be friends with him. I kept coming back to something being the matter wtih me. But then I realized something....this time it really wasn't me...I really honestly had given it everything I had...

I can't just be his friend. I have too many feelings and emotions. He can't be with me because he doesn't have the emotional engery right now...I want someone that gives me that energy even when they don't have it. I want someone that is going to fight for me...even when I am trying to pull away...because I am worth fighting for. I want someone that wants to hold my hand. That can't be in the same room with me without wanting to touch me. That wants everyone to know they are with me. I don't want to always be the one giving...and feeling like I never get anything in return.

So why is it if he called me today...I would still go back?