Enough...

Do you ever feel like you are not quite enough? That if one day you just never woke up that no one would even notice?

No I do not currently feel this way. But last night as I laid in bed I thought about times I had felt this way. Times I felt like a complete failure. And that no matter how hard I tried I would never be able to dig myself out. It seemed the more I tried to overcome these emotions the more they would consume me.

Then I got to think about what put me in these situations. What caused me to feel so hopeless and helpless.

Although I don’t like to admit it, most of the time it was a situation I had put myself in. And most of the instances closely followed a relationship. When I am with someone, I isolate myself. My life becomes their life. My hobbies become theirs, and my schedule revolves around theirs. No this is NOT healthy. And I realize this now.

In my evaluation I concluded how can I expect to have people there for me when I isolated myself from them? Maybe I didn’t realize the absence of my friends because I was so enveloped in my relationship. I didn’t realize the lack of support or communication. And in some way I think the lack of communication was a relief, it made it easier for me. I didn’t have to make an excuse for not going to a girls dinner, or having to explain why I was still with him. But when he was gone…the silence was deafening.

It has been 11 months since I really felt this way. 11 months since I lost my best friend. I know that she thinks of me. How could she not. We spent 7 years being best friends. And I know he probably misses me sometimes. And I miss her. It has been 11 months since I broke up with that boy. And I am happy to say we are friends now. It took a long time to get there. But we did it.

We have so many choices in life. In a relationship we have the choice to become a “we”. But that doesn’t mean that we have to lose our independence. A good relationship is comprised of a “you” “me” and “we”…it was when we lose the “me” that we start to lose ourselves and what truly makes us happy. And it isn’t until we can maintain that balance that we will be genuinely happy.