with light comes dark...: August 2009

Random thoughts for a Friday

As I laid in bed last night at my new house my mind was going a million miles an hour. You see I have been writing a lot lately. I have found through my life that writing helps me deal with different trials in my life. I have boxes of journals and random notebooks full of poems and random thoughts. But the downside of writing is that my mind is the most active at night. It is my best "writing time". And since I decided to write the book I need to be writing...a LOT! This presents a problem when I have to be up at 6 for work. Anyhow to solve this issue I think I am going to have to do 2 things. One is buy a netbook...a small enough laptop that I can fit it in my purse. The need or thought to write strikes me at the worst possible moments and I find myself sending myself emails from my Blackberry to incorporate later...haha. And the second is I have to take something to turn my mind off at night so I can sleep. Otherwise I wake up and have to write something down.

On a side note I am thinking seriously about buying a house. So scary. But so exciting. I am in the looking process...wish me luck.

Love it..

I'm not sure what it is about this song..maybe it is the beat? But I LOVE it, it makes me want to get up and dance. These are my favorite lyrics from it...Shakira "She Wolf"...it's my ring tone for when my girls call :)

"I’ve devoting myself to you

Monday to Monday

And Friday to Friday

Not getting enough retribution

or decent incentives to keep me at it

Starting to feel just a little abused

Like a coffee machine in an office

So I'm gonna go somewhere closer

To get me a lover and tell you about it"

Honesty

Sometimes I think I am too honest

I can't help but just be honest with the way I feel

Some people don't appreciate this about me
Others just tell me it is the way I am

I think that I need to learn how to have a mute button

I give too much info when it is not needed

One of these days it's going to get me in trouble

Sometimes mystery is good

I need to work on having that

Bachelorette Party

This weekend was my aunt (mom's twin) Marcia's bachelorette party. It was such a great time. They wore me out! I went home on Sunday and took a 4 hour long nap, woke up for an hour and went back to bed!

The night started out at Little America for swimming. This is where Marcia go her presents. I got there late unfortunately. But I was in time to help carry her "swing" up to the hotel room. Everyone got ready and it was off for Sushi...it was Delicious!

Then it was off to Key's on main. If you haven't been to a piano bar...you HAVE to go! It was so much fun. We had VIP and just danced and sung the night away...well at least till 11. When they announced that Marsh was the bachelorette some random boy showed up and danced with her for a bit, then disappeared as fast as he had appeared. It was hilarious!

After the piano bar we walked down to Club Bliss for gay night. We had VIP there as well. We kept the dancing up at Bliss, and some how I ended up on stage with all the boys. Such a great time. I seriously have never had so much fun dancing.

On the way back to the hotel we stopped by Denny's for some much needed late night food.

"There is no greater agony thean bearing an untold story inside you"

I have decided to write mine...

It is going to be a very long process...

A hard one...

But necessary...

And More...

"We all die. The goal isn't to live forever, it is to create something that will." -- Chuck Palahniuk

"Being happy doesn't mean that everything is perfect. It means that you've decided to look beyond the imperfections."

"People love others not for who they are but for how they make them feel" -- Irwin Federman

"I love you, and because I love you, I would sooner have you hate me for telling you the truth than adore me for telling you lies." -- Pietro Aretino

"One of the hardest things in life is watching the person you love, love someone else."

"If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more." -- Jane Austen

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."

"Tears are words the heart can't express."

Attempting...

I tend to like having control. This is something that I intend to change about myself. Part of it is because of my job and having to be in control of so many things I think it carries over to my personal life. I like to plan...I am a planner, but at some point you have to let someone else have the control. So that is what I am trying to do. I am trying to be more laid back and less emotional. And attempting to let someone else have the control for once...

Walking Away

How do you know it is time to walk away from a relationship, a friend or a situation?

Where is that line that says I can't or won't take anymore?

Why is it when you walk away at some point you think about going back?

What is it in us as women we are always looking for the one we can save or change?

The one that treats us badly?

Or the one that doesn't want us?

Why do we always think maybe it will be different?

Few More Lyrics...

"The fog in the morning clouded the world that we knew

It was almost enough being lonely and living for you

And the rain came to our window

And I wish I could've stayed

You were asleep while I gathered my things in the dark

The burns on my fingers were all that was left of the spark

Didn't want to wake you"

* * * * * * *

"You're just crossing paths

With the way he left me

I'm not sayin' a word

But I'm watching you quietly

You're gonna have to prove me wrong

Before I know this is right

We don't have to decide tonight

Just wait for me patiently

And you'll get all of me"

Conclusion

Last night as I laid in bed I came to a conclusion...

I sleep better with someone next to me. They keep me warm, I like to cuddle , it makes me feel safe. And I like being able to wake up next to someone.

Some would say this is a sign that I need to get married. I say no way...haha. I blame it on my mother for holding me during my naps when I was a baby.

There really is nothing better then cuddling. Especially when it is with someone that makes the hours feel like minutes...

Emotional

Why as women are we so sensitive? How do we get to the point of being so emotional that we a heart broken if they let go of our hand too soon? That they don't pick up on what we want all of the time?

Men are so logical for the most part. They can see things clearly. I can think of more then once in my life I have thought I could compromise on things in my life that I knew were important because I wanted to be with that person. Men on the other hand have the logic and walk away if things aren't exactly the way they want them. They don't look at how much it is going to hurt, or the pain it will cause. They just think logically. I wish I had that. I wish that my choices weren't so based on emotion.

Broken...

Sometimes I think it is easier recovering from a broken heart...then recovering from breaking someones.

Confession-- I still feel like a bad person for breaking his...

Today I got an email from him. The first one since March. I can tell his heart still hurts. And I feel horrible that I made him feel that way. Nothing I can ever say or do will make it better. Nothing will ever take the pain away. The one things that makes me feel okay is knowing that there is someone out there that is so much better for him then I could have ever been. I just wish I could have known how things were going to turn out, and saved him from it all...saved him from me.

Puppy Sitting

So this week I am staying at my mom's house watching all the dogs...this always makes for a very interesting time. You see if you are just tuning into my blog we have 3 dogs...2 Golden Retrievers Kate and Bode (KK and Bode Bear my latest nicknames for them) and then the little one Sydnee (Miss. Sass, Sissy). They are used to having someone around all day long...well I have to work so they are home alone for about 8 hours a day. These dogs have personalities you wouldn't believe. I can take one look at their faces and read their minds, it is crazy. Anyhow this morning as I got ready KK was being really sulky. She just sat and stared at me with her huge golden eyes with the saddest look on her face. Do you know how hard it is to walk away with the most adorable dog in the world looking at you like that? She wouldn't even get up to say goodbye to me. I'll have to take some new pictures of all of them tonight to post :)

Lyrics...

I listen to music for the lyrics. My music reflects my mood. Something Corporate and Jack's Mannequin (same lead singer) are my favorites. It seems that no matter my mood there is always something in the music I can relate to. Today I was listening to Pandora on my Blackberry like usual and I heard a song by Something Corporate "Walking By"...I loved it so I bought it. The lyrics are really good, here is a little section of them...

"These nights I get high just from breathing.
When I lie here with you I'm sure that I'm real,
like that firework over the freeway.
I could stay here all day but that's not how you feel.

So why do you leave these questions unanswered?
The circus awaits and you're already gone.
My Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile,
what makes it so easy for you to be walking by?
And what did I do that you can't seem to want me?
Why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes?
Where can I go that your pictures won't haunt me?
What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?"

A Women Should...

A WOMAN SHOULD HAVE... A feeling of control over her destiny...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to fall in love without losing herself...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... When to try harder... and when to walk away...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she would and WOULDN'T do for love or more...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... How to live alone... even if she doesn't like it...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... Whom she can trust, Whom she can't, And why she shouldn't take it personally...

EVERY WOMAN SHOULD KNOW... What she can and can't accomplish in a day... A month..And a year...

Something Real...

I have had a lot of best friends through out my life. Some have turned out to be truly that and will be in my life forever. Others were the kind that the second you got out of the car they began to talk about you. I have had some that have betrayed me, and others that will stand by my side no matter what. I don't regret any of these relationships because they have all taught me something. And they will always be a part of me.

A couple months ago I blogged about friends betrayal. The pain and following break down. These friends were like sisters to me. Do I think they caused my breakdown? No. But do I believe they were the last straw? Yes.

Since that time I have had a lot of time to evaluate my relationships and friendships with others. You see I am amazing at pretending everything in life is great and that things don't bother me. But I never really deal with anything. I just kind of put it in a little box in the back of my head for later. This presents 2 problems.

1 - I believe it makes you more of an emotional person.

2 - You have to deal with it at some point.

Well I think that is what happened. I dealt with 25 years of emotion in one week. It was less then awesome. It was probably to date one of the hardest things I have had to go through. As I sat at work on that Tuesday reading a good-bye email I didn't want to have to read from a man that I loved I realized I couldn't breathe. I coudn't move. All I could do is cry. It was in that moment that I picked up calling the doctors office, I'm not sure how I had the presence of mind to call, but I did. My doctor was out of town, but another doctor in the office was able to get me in 15 minutes later. I sent my boss an email and was out the door. In the doctors office I cried, I was in a full blown anxiety attack and was trying to keep some sort composure.

I have never felt that helpless. I hadn't eaten in three days. Hadn't slept in a week and I was throwing up because the anxiety made my stomach so uneasy. My body was trembling, and my heart rate was over 120. It is strange to look back on that moment, because although it was me it feels like it was all a dream.

After the doctors office I went to my mom's house. I am not really sure how I made it there. I really should not have been driving. When I arrived I tried to explain the situation. She tried to get me calmed down, gave me some of the meds from the doctor and a sleeping pill. I stayed on that couch for the next week. In the morning I would try to get up and go to work, only to end up back laying down shaking from the anxiety. It was the following Monday I was able to return to work. I was still a mess. Most mornings throwing up before I left for work. Not eating. Crying at the worst moments, and taking a xanax every 4 hours just to make it through the day. It was the first time in my life that I couldn't even write about the emotion because I couldn't process it.

As the days went on I gradually took myself off the xanax, hoping that the next day would be the day I didn't need any. And one day I woke up 15 pounds lighter, and I didn't need them. I began to talk to that man again in hopes that things would end up working themselves out. And for a moment I truly believed that they would. My life felt like it was going to come back together, minus my best friend. At that point I still had so much pain I was okay with that. As the days past and as I evaluated what I wanted out of my life and how that man treated me. And I came to one conclusion. He didn't love me. And he never would love me the way I needed to be loved. And that best friend would never be back in my life.

Figuring out and embracing who you are is scary. Letting go of the past and dealing with that emotion is terrifying.

Yes sometimes I still think of that man, but I don't miss him anymore. But as for that best friend I am pretty sure I will miss her for the rest of my life. But we are better off apart. People come into your life for a reason or a season....and our season has past.

The Fluff..

Last night in talking to a friend I realized that my blog has always been a lot of fluff. The stuff that makes people say "your life looks so great". Yes my life is great, most of the time. I am blessed with amazing friends and family. I have an amazing job, and work with mostly great people. But how often do we put the "real" stuff out there? The days that just suck. The times that we would rather crawl up in a ball and cry? The days that we are venerable. The days that all the small stuff just seems too big.

I demand a lot from the people in my life. But I like to think that I give a lot back. I expect to be a priority in peoples lives. Is that such a bad thing? I feel that if someone doesn't want to make me a priority would should I make them one? I get offended and hurt too easily sometimes. Sometimes I over react. And sometimes I say things I don't mean. But I am always very quick to forgive, to forget and to say that I was wrong.

So on that note I think that my blog will become really what I believe it should be...truly Most of Me...including the parts that most people never get to see.

Today...

Today I feel powerful. I learned something about myself. I have strength I never knew I had. I have courage beyond measure.

It was 2 months ago I had a complete breakdown. The kind where you don't get out of bed. Where brushing my teeth sent me into an anxiety attack. I hate to think that I was that "weak". That I could let my emotions consume me to the point that I was just trying to survive.

It was 2 months ago today that I saw him for the last time. I couldn't stand because I was crying so hard as he walked out my door. I was willing to give everything and make myself completely miserable to make him just a little happy.

It was 6 days ago today that I realized...I don't need him or want him anymore.

It was 2 days ago I realized I have the courage to let go of people that can't give me what I need or want.

It was 9 hours ago that I realized that heartbreak hurts...but I would rather have my heart broken a million times and realize that I can still feel then to live the rest of my life numb and never have those moments of happiness...

It isn't until you let go of the past that you can truly move forward....

Retirement...

My boss had his retirement party today...it was a crazy day. I ran around non-stop until the lunch at 11:00. We had originally planned on having about 75 attendees at the most...well we ended up with over 100 (we took up half the restaurant). Needless to say the poor servers at Olive Garden were running around like mad...but they did a FANTASTIC job! They were simply amazing! I thought I would end up crying at this lunch trying to say goodbye, but I didn't. To be honest I don't think it has really hit me yet....but I am sure when it does I'll be sad. 4 and a half years ago Stu hired me. He was really taking a chance on a young girl. I was barley 21 and had little to no experience. I was scared out of my mind. But I like to think that I have grown a lot over those years...and have grown to LOVE my job and all the "guys" I get to hang out with all day. Stu was an amazing boss to me. He was always the first to tell me good job and I swear he had more faith in me a lot of times then I had in myself. I will miss him.