And Then...

Sometimes I am stronger then I think.

But most of the time I'm not.

I am a pushover.

I am really excellent at compromise.

But compromise usually me being the only one giving.

Today one of my sweet engineers that works out of King of Prussia, PA came by my desk to say hi.. He gave me some really good advice. He said:

"I have been on this earth a long time, 72 years. And I have learned a lot about people and love. It isn't easy living with someone. The trick is compromise. We are selfish, and take things for granted. And when we take people for granted the relationship ends"

I need to learn to stand up for myself. And not be such a pushover...then I wouldn't get myself into relationships that aren't good for me. Or maybe I wouldn't allow the relationship to turn into something that isn't good for me.

PS

I'll be updating both blogs...just depends on how I am feeling. Most of me will maintain the same tone...Highest Heels will be more of the fluff. :)

Loss...

When you lose someone important in your life it is like a death. I think in many ways you have to treat it as a death. But I think the difference between it and a death are you know that person is still there. Sometimes I think it would be easier to grieve a death, then the loss of someone you love. Because you know they are really gone.. It wasn't due to a break up, a fight, a misunderstanding.

Confession. I miss her. There are days that I don't think about it. Many days in fact. But then there are days that make my heart hurt. I wanted her there for all the big moments. But she won't be.

 I hate the line "if things are meant to work out they will" or "things happen for a reason". We can do so much in life to make things go one way or another. We have the ability to make or break anything in life. I do believe we are always given another chance...but who's to say it will be as good as the first chance we were given?

Why is it when we feel like our life has finally stopped transitioning...it does again?

So...

He is coming to visit me. I'm not really sure how I feel about it yet. I think it could be a really good thing. Or a really bad thing. I have seen him once since my little freak out in June. It was only for about an hour. We plan on skiing all day tomorrow. And perhaps hanging out for part of the week.

On that note I decided to take my other blog off private and start using it again. I feel like enough wounds have healed. And I decided I don't really care if certain people read it any more. So have at it...if you started readed when I started Most of Me...it will give you an idea of how I was before. http://www.spinaroundinthehighestheels.blogspot.com/

A Year Ago...

Almost one year ago a boy put this ring on my finger and asked me to marry him. I said yes.

Shortly after I took back that answer, and he took back that ring.

I don't regret my decision. Although he was a wonderful man. It just wasn't right. But I can't help but think about him. How he is doing. I can't help but care about people in my past. It's so deeply engrained in me I don't think it will ever change.

People ask me how I can still talk to some of my ex's. Ones that have hurt me so badly. And all I can tell them is, I cared about them. You can't just stop that. they don't seem to like that answer. Maybe it is because I can't not have them in my life in some way. Or maybe I just don't have it in me to hate someone. Regardless...that boy that gave me that ring? He is the only one that I don't maintain some sort of relationship with...even if it is just being friends on FB with some of them.

When I am in a relationship I give everything I have. I can't walk away until I can say I tried everything. This leaves me never having any regrets. There has only been one that I regret. And it is because I listened to a friend. I don't know that we would have ended up together. Nor do I blame her. I blame myself for listening to her. He was an amazing man, and I broke his heart.  There are days I really wish I wouldn't have listened.

But everything happens for a reason I suppose.

Life is about timing. I seem to have really bad timing. Things with that boy I have mentioned are still going along at a snails pace. Although we did have a good conversation last weekend. It was determined that he needed to take some time and think about what he wants out of life. Last night I got a text that said "I have been thinking :)" Not sure what that means. But we'll see. In the mean time I am dating. Not that I have been out with anyone yet. But hey there is always the option...haha.

My first blood tests came back and everything looked good, except for something with my liver. So they are re-testing that. And about 20 other things. Very exciting :) They said I should have some results back by next week. More then likely they will come back and say nothing is wrong. Which is good and bad.