truth....

sometimes when we ask a person for the truth we aren't fully prepared for the answer...

when i date someone i ask a lot of random questions
request random bits of information
like what you ask....

"tell me something you normally wouldn't tell me"

and most of the time i am prepared for an answer such as
"i like you more than you think i do"
or
"i once _______"

but generally i do not expect them to tell me about myself
things about myself that i don't even admit...

this is what i got:

"um...i think you are very insecure, but that can be fixed
i think there is a lot you need to let go of in order for you
to actually be happy, because i don't really think you are right now"

happiness is relative - i am happy
but i think he was speaking more in regards to relationships
which i agree

i bond myself to emotionally unavailable men
i see an end - and therefore it is safe
i fill a need they have - and in return i feel wanted

i avoid commitment - or potential of commitment
even though that is what i want...

maybe i just want someone to fight & prove
to make me feel worth it...
or that they actually do want all of me - not just part

i need them to give in - before i think i can
i need to know they are in it...
that it is really all of me that they want

or maybe i need to just let go...
no control
no sensor
just pure emotion...just me

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”
Sylvia Plath,

words...

sometimes the words will just not come
i look for my thoughts through others words
and wish i could express myself as they do

my love passion obsession lately has been
miss sylvia plath...

she can stir an emotion with a simple sentence
a maze of words that is so simple
so perfect...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything,
it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”
 
“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”
 
“I have taken a pill to kill
The thin
Papery feeling.”

 
“I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still”

once upon a time...

i feel like i have so much swimming through my brain
but nothing all at the same time
so this may be a bit all over the place
and perhaps a bit of a rant...

do people believe in true love anymore
in a fairytale...
does that idea of a true love still exists

why are we so okay with a partial love
filling in the gaps with other things
other people... 

once upon a time...
it exists
happily ever after...
i'm not so sure about that part

but to make it through 
you have to believe
in prince charming & white horses
because without it -- it all becomes hopeless

and simply the idea is enough...




faking it...


this last weekend i had an amazing time
there are few times i really let go
living in the moment
letting my emotions be free

few people can truly bring this out in me
my best friend
my wife
a few lovers
my puppies
baby

most times i will only be free when i trust
but once and awhile it's risk
but one i am willing to take
it is usually not worth it
but i have learned to recover quickly...

i took a risk
i had fun
a lot of it

my heart is fine
i think it is numb
and some part of me likes that
i don't want to hurt....again

 i think it would be easier to fake it
all of it
happiness
love
passion
emotion

don't get me wrong...
i am happy...alone
with me
my life
my wife
my friends
the simple life

i do what i want
when i want
with who i want

but something is missing...
my fairytale....
my once upon a time....

and i don't think it exists
but i will still wait
holding on to hope

because without hope
faith
we have nothing...

 and hopefully there will come a time 
when i won't be let down
brushed aside
 they will hold on with all they have

because i am not worth losing
they will chose to stay
and we won't be faking it... 

"and they loved with a love that was more than love" -- Edger Allen Poe


love in a box...

 
it's easy to see how everything is loosely
put into a box to describe how
well it is working
but can you tell me
how did she knock me off of my feet
when she said hello
my name is beautiful
i said excuse me miss but it's time for me to hit the floor
and now this dancing has turned to falling
words can't do justice to this girl i know

and it's those deep breaths that get me through the times
she's standing next to me
she's nothing short of lovely
does she notice that i can't breathe
everything around me is getting hazy

i'll loosen up my tie
no use in being shy

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

under this moonlight
i can see the mystery behind your eyes
with every taste girl, well i delight in you
and yet this distance
that separates my hand from yours
can only make me appreciate your heart
i adore you

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

quiet now, she's fast asleep
and to my arm she's clinging
you're mine girl
and my heart is yours

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

life...

"My life didn't please me, so I created my life."  - Coco Chanel

i have never understood those that are not happy 
with something, someone
and are not willing to change the circumstance  

if i am not happy 
i change 
move on
progress

i create happiness
strive for contentment
and live for myself

if there is anything i have learned in the last 2 years
it's that no one can make you happy
but happiness is within your own soul

chose to be happy
live and love with reckless abandon
be true to yourself

pain fades
friends come and go
relationships end

but if you love yourself
i promise you'll make it through
no matter the darkness -- light will come

and the light -- it always wins...
so hold on
because it gets better

always...

crazy...

i have said many times that girls are crazy
but this week -- i feel completely insane

i want to crawl out of my skin
and totally lose it

scream at the top of my lungs because i feel like it
cry over nothing and everything all at once

i'm ready to just feel normal again...