Do you ever feel like you need to just lose it.
Scream because there is something in you that just can't get out.
Get so stressed out that you just stop caring.
...
Yep I'm there.
What...
Last night someone asked me a few questions. I know what their motive was behind it. They wanted a certain answer...but I realized I couldn't really answer.
They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.
I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.
In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.
I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.
So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.
This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.
Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...
They asked what I was afraid of. And what was I looking for. I know they meant this in the relationship sense. I know that they care about me. And as much as they claim they don't want that with me...I know they are lying. But it really made me think. What am I afraid of? And what am I really looking for?
I am afraid of success. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of losing everything. Failure.
I know what it feels like to be broken. I know where the bottom is. And I don't want to be there again. I need to feel as though I have some sort of control, and having a relationship doesn't really fit into that equation.
In a relationship trust is everything. Not really trusting your partner, but trusting yourself. That if everything goes completely wrong, you will be able to pick yourself up and be okay. I suppose I don't trust myself. I know I don't want to hurt someone else. And I know that I will. I can handle being hurt. Having my heart broken. But I don't want to do that to someone else.
I feel like so many of the guys I have dated, or hung out with have me on this pedestal. They think I am so amazing. So perfect. (yes I know that sounds conceited but I don't mean it to be) but it terrifies me that once they really know me, I will fall from this perfect place that they have put me in. I am SO far from perfect, I am crazy, irrational, insecure.
So I guess this brings me to, what am I looking for...I have no clue. I guess someone that I feel like I can be myself. Some that accepts me 100% for who I am...what I am. Someone that knows every aspect of me, and is okay with it all.
This year I will be 27. I have always had a hard time with odd numbered birthdays. But this year...is really bothering me. I never thought I would be 27, single, no prospects. Granted I really am okay with being single. I would rather be single then married to the wrong person. But I am ready to move on with my life. I am ready for the next stage. I am ready to not feel stuck.
Okay so this kind of when all over the place, but that is basically what my mind is doing, circles...let's just blame that on the migraine from hell I have had today...
The idea of me...
I feel like people fall in love with the idea of me.
I come across as a really sweet, innocent, hard working, independent person. Which in many respects I am. But there is also another side of me. The relationship side. And I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that I am different in a relationship.
I feel like they have me built up in their head of what I am, how our relationship would be, and that is what they fall in love with. But the reality of me is different. Who I am is so much more than what they want or are willing to see.
I am emotional, high maintenance, dramatic, demanding, irrational.
I get afraid of getting close to them. I don't want to ruin this version of me that they love. The perfect me.
They say love is blind. I say love is naive.
I come across as a really sweet, innocent, hard working, independent person. Which in many respects I am. But there is also another side of me. The relationship side. And I'm not sure if it is a good thing, or a bad thing that I am different in a relationship.
I feel like they have me built up in their head of what I am, how our relationship would be, and that is what they fall in love with. But the reality of me is different. Who I am is so much more than what they want or are willing to see.
I am emotional, high maintenance, dramatic, demanding, irrational.
I get afraid of getting close to them. I don't want to ruin this version of me that they love. The perfect me.
They say love is blind. I say love is naive.
Forever Love...
Yesterday in conversation with someone we were discussing once in a lifetime loves. You know that one person that you loved more than anyone else. The one that you will love forever. Some people are lucky enough to marry their once in a lifetime love. Others are destined to wonder. My question is: Do these people really only have that once in a lifetime love? Or once that person is gone to they pull back? Preventing them from loving like that again?
I have a once in a lifetime love. We were together for over 2 years. I loved him more deeply, passionately and recklessly then I have loved anyone. Then I will allow myself to love anyone. He is the one I will compare my feelings to someone to. The one I would have done anything for. The older I get the less I allow myself to love. I fall into like, lust and about everything else. But not love. Love is too deep. Too scary. Too risky.
Love means you can, and most likely will be hurt. Love means trusting someone with every ounce of your being. Knowing that at any moment they can crush you. Love is allowing someone to know every part of you. Your insecurities. Deepest fears.
I admit it love scares me. Love is one of those things that “happens” to other people. The people I photograph. I believe in love. You have to in my profession. It is all around you all of the time. I see the love and passion in a newly sealed couples eyes. The joy of knowing they are going to be married for eternity. But I just don’t think that it will happen for me again. Whether that is because I won’t let it, or because you only get that chance once…I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
I have a once in a lifetime love. We were together for over 2 years. I loved him more deeply, passionately and recklessly then I have loved anyone. Then I will allow myself to love anyone. He is the one I will compare my feelings to someone to. The one I would have done anything for. The older I get the less I allow myself to love. I fall into like, lust and about everything else. But not love. Love is too deep. Too scary. Too risky.
Love means you can, and most likely will be hurt. Love means trusting someone with every ounce of your being. Knowing that at any moment they can crush you. Love is allowing someone to know every part of you. Your insecurities. Deepest fears.
I admit it love scares me. Love is one of those things that “happens” to other people. The people I photograph. I believe in love. You have to in my profession. It is all around you all of the time. I see the love and passion in a newly sealed couples eyes. The joy of knowing they are going to be married for eternity. But I just don’t think that it will happen for me again. Whether that is because I won’t let it, or because you only get that chance once…I don’t know. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t want it.
Friday...
On Friday I lost my best friend.
I lost the one "person" that has been there for me non stop for the past three and a half years. She has been there through tough break ups, lost friends, betrayals, depression, moves, broken engagements, happiness and despair. She loved me unconditionally. She was the first one there when I cried. Cuddled me when I was sick. And bossed me around non stop.
Sydnee Loosle January 7, 2007 - August 6, 2010
My little Sydnee (sass) was taken from me far too early. She was still a baby only three and a half years old. Sydnee was so full of life, and SO much Sass. She always kept me on my toes. Friday I had to make the difficult decision of putting her down. Sydnee had injured her back. At first the vet believed that with rest and medication she would heal on her own. But within 24 hours she had become completely paralyzed in her back legs. When the surgeon saw her, he gave her less then a 50% chance of ever being able to walk again.
If you knew my little one, you knew that there is NO way she would have had it that way. She was one that did not hold still. She did not let her size hold her back in any way. She was a "Big:" dog. And she was going to do whatever her best friends the Golden's did. I couldn't be selfish and keep her here. I couldn't expect her to be happy with a life that she wouldn't have wanted. So I made the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I let her have her legs back. I let her go to a place that is so much greater then here.
I miss her so terribly. I feel like my heart could break into a million little pieces. But I know she is looking down on me smiling, wagging the wiggly waggly little tail of hers, bossing me around telling me to hurry up! Because heaven knows she is in charge...and what she says goes.
I lost the one "person" that has been there for me non stop for the past three and a half years. She has been there through tough break ups, lost friends, betrayals, depression, moves, broken engagements, happiness and despair. She loved me unconditionally. She was the first one there when I cried. Cuddled me when I was sick. And bossed me around non stop.
Sydnee Loosle January 7, 2007 - August 6, 2010
My little Sydnee (sass) was taken from me far too early. She was still a baby only three and a half years old. Sydnee was so full of life, and SO much Sass. She always kept me on my toes. Friday I had to make the difficult decision of putting her down. Sydnee had injured her back. At first the vet believed that with rest and medication she would heal on her own. But within 24 hours she had become completely paralyzed in her back legs. When the surgeon saw her, he gave her less then a 50% chance of ever being able to walk again.
If you knew my little one, you knew that there is NO way she would have had it that way. She was one that did not hold still. She did not let her size hold her back in any way. She was a "Big:" dog. And she was going to do whatever her best friends the Golden's did. I couldn't be selfish and keep her here. I couldn't expect her to be happy with a life that she wouldn't have wanted. So I made the most difficult decision I have ever had to make. I let her have her legs back. I let her go to a place that is so much greater then here.
I miss her so terribly. I feel like my heart could break into a million little pieces. But I know she is looking down on me smiling, wagging the wiggly waggly little tail of hers, bossing me around telling me to hurry up! Because heaven knows she is in charge...and what she says goes.
Normally...
I am normally not one to get involved in politics or religious debate. Many of you know I am LDS (Mormon) I was raised LDS, and I don't claim to be the most righteous person out there. But I do however have a strong testimony of my church. Okay with all that aside all of this Prop 8 "stuff" has really gotten under my skin. I personally do not have too much of a stance on whether or not gays should be allowed to get married. I believe that it isn't my decision. This may be right or it may be wrong in your opinion, but it is how I feel.
With that being said, it seriously BREAKS my heart to see what all of this controversy is doing to families, friends and our nation. It has caused so much pain, hurt and contention on all sides. I have many friends that are "gay", and I love them unconditionally. We have been instructed as Christan's to love our neighbor as our self...why do we find this so hard. You don't have to agree with a persons choices to love them. And it isn't our place to judge. So why do people feel the need to put others down? Does it make them feel better about themselves, or their beliefs? I have seen this on both sides of the matter. Why can't we all just have compassion for one another? Try to get along. Mind our own business?
There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in, but is it necessary to put someone else down to do so?
With that being said, it seriously BREAKS my heart to see what all of this controversy is doing to families, friends and our nation. It has caused so much pain, hurt and contention on all sides. I have many friends that are "gay", and I love them unconditionally. We have been instructed as Christan's to love our neighbor as our self...why do we find this so hard. You don't have to agree with a persons choices to love them. And it isn't our place to judge. So why do people feel the need to put others down? Does it make them feel better about themselves, or their beliefs? I have seen this on both sides of the matter. Why can't we all just have compassion for one another? Try to get along. Mind our own business?
There is nothing wrong with standing up for what you believe in, but is it necessary to put someone else down to do so?
Past...
There are some things in life that never change.
Some connections that never die.
Feelings that will always remain the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel about someone the way I felt about him.
It has been years...
But the connection remains.
There is no chance either of us would go back.
Differences remain.
But the feelings, I think will always stay the same.
Some connections that never die.
Feelings that will always remain the same.
Sometimes I wonder if I will ever feel about someone the way I felt about him.
It has been years...
But the connection remains.
There is no chance either of us would go back.
Differences remain.
But the feelings, I think will always stay the same.
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