fairytale...

"i don't want a story, i want the fairytale"

i see so many stories
they appear so perfect
whirl wind romance
passionately, reckless love...

i have felt that kind of love
it never lasts...

i have this vision of how it should be
but with time, it fades
i'm not sure it exists...

people fall out of love
as quickly as they fell in
engagements lasting longer then marriages
marriages plagued with emotional and physical affairs...

is unconditional love too much to as for
a safe place from the rest of the world
or are we searching
searching for something that no longer exists...

new chapter or a new book...

"do i start a whole new book with someone else, or do i start a new chapter in an old book with my ex?"

Funny how there is a tweet for everything you could possibly be going through in your life...

There are people in life that you know so well can not see for years -- and when you see them, it is as though no time has passed. You pick up and just go on. But very rarely there is someone who will surprise you. And they will change so much, that it is like meeting a completely new and different person.

My ex is one of those people. We talk and I just stare with a puzzled look on my face, because the person that sits in front of me is in fact the same person I dated for 2 years...but is no where close to the person that I was with.

You see our relationship was really good when it was good. And really bad when it was bad. He was my first real love. We were young, he took me for granted, and I let him. And one day I woke up in our bed, and I decided it needed to end. We were going no where.

It wasn't until we broke up that we finally told each other that we loved one another. And I was heart broken for years. And I now I know so was he. I stayed single, he jumped into another relationship. I guess we all cope differently.

When I love, I love completely....recklessly.

So now he is back. Wanting a second chance to make everything right that was so wrong. And to be honest I don't know how I feel about it all. There were reasons we broke up, and most of them are not valid at this point. But one is. One very important one.

It will take time -- because right now my heart isn't ready to love. But when the time comes, is this a bridge that I should cross? Or are some things better left unknown?

stability...

i tend to get too caught up in life
running around trying to do it all at once
i forget to take time to breathe...

we all need time for ourselves
i find it easier to put that time and energy into others
leaving my life in a state of chaos...

i need stability or something the resembles it...

i think this is a trait my significant other should hold
i'm obviously NOT good at balance
stability...

but in an effort to balance
i am taking more time for me
time to write...

time to just be...

i need...

i need to get away....
do something interesting....
something adventurous....

i need a break...
from life...
drama...

i need grounding...
spiritually...
emotionally...

i need hope...
in more...
in people...


with light comes dark...

with the joy comes misery...

with love comes pain...

we cannot choose what happens to us -- we can only choose how we will react

 no matter how dark it gets

 no matter the misery

or the pain we feel

there is always an end...

sometimes we just have to make that choice...

random thought for a thursday...

I was thinking today about great loves. I listen to my iTunes and it seems that everyone is looking for someone to save them. To make them happy. Someone to love them. Make them feel whole.

Yes I am guilty of this -- read my below posts.

Being in love is a great thing. Having someone think the world of you is amazing. But if you don't love yourself, their love, affection and compliments will never be enough. Putting your self worth in the hands of another is never a good idea.

If you don't worry about your own happiness -- no one else will.

There comes a point in time that you have to learn to love yourself. Make the choice to be happy. Because no one can make you "happy" or make you "whole".

Loving yourself means saying enough is a enough. Standing up for yourself. Knowing that your happiness is important. Because you are worth it.

a moment...

There are moments that change our lives. Defining moments that we know things will never be the same.

Sometimes we bring these moments upon ourselves and others well others are brought on by someone else's choices and decisions.

We have the option and choice as to how we will react and how we will let them affect us. We can fall victim or we can stand up and take control.

I am a people pleaser, I have said it a million times over. I want to make people I care about happy. Even if it means my own misery. I can deal with emotional pain. In fact, I am really good at it. But to see someone I love in pain is more than I can bare. I expect them to let me in. Let me try to help and fix their problems. Never letting them...or anyone in close enough to understand me.

But every once and awhile I will let go. Show my whole heart. My whole self to someone. Or as close as I think I am capable of. I let myself love that person. Though I know it won't last. And  it is usually a harsh and abrupt end.

But I will say in those small moments. I remember something. I remember how good I am with someone else. I remember how it feels to have them look back at me. Being able to see how they feel in their eyes. And for that moment, not being afraid. Completely stripped and vulnerable, not caring because I am safe. Just for that moment. 

Yes it is usually short. But as I have learned...some of the best things in life are moments. And it is these short individual moments that make up the best parts of our lives.