I think that sometimes in relationships we get so caught up. We get caught up in the emotion, the excitement, that we push things to go faster then they should. We fall deeper and faster then is natural. We start to envision our life with this person. Our future. And before we know it not having them in that picture is scary.
I have stayed in many relationships that I knew were not right because it was too painful to think of my life without them. I held on to pieces and a thoughts of how I thought things could be. In the back of my mind I knew there would be an end. But it seemed it would be easier to deal with that heartbreak later, maybe it would hurt less then.
Now for the ironic part...
I have always been in relationships. I am a "relationship girl". But I also have a huge fear of commitment. I am okay with having a boyfriend. I am okay talking about the future. But once that future becomes more of a reality I get uncomfortable. This leads to me dating emotionally unavailable people. Yes in my heart I want to find that man. The one that makes me feel secure, loved, beautiful, treats me like a princess and all of that. But then there is this other part of me that struggles with giving myself to a person like that. I have no problem giving everything to someone that isn't good for me. The one that doesn't give me the attention I need. Makes me feel insecure and gives me anxiety. Maybe somewhere in my subconscious I feel like this is "safe" because I know there has to be an end to the relationship...
True relationships grow. It is a gradual process. In the beginning it is hard to see this clearly.
This time...I am going to try it the other way. This time I am going to give myself to someone that gives themselves back to me and I am going to do it slowly...letting it grow.
I have stayed in many relationships that I knew were not right because it was too painful to think of my life without them. I held on to pieces and a thoughts of how I thought things could be. In the back of my mind I knew there would be an end. But it seemed it would be easier to deal with that heartbreak later, maybe it would hurt less then.
Now for the ironic part...
I have always been in relationships. I am a "relationship girl". But I also have a huge fear of commitment. I am okay with having a boyfriend. I am okay talking about the future. But once that future becomes more of a reality I get uncomfortable. This leads to me dating emotionally unavailable people. Yes in my heart I want to find that man. The one that makes me feel secure, loved, beautiful, treats me like a princess and all of that. But then there is this other part of me that struggles with giving myself to a person like that. I have no problem giving everything to someone that isn't good for me. The one that doesn't give me the attention I need. Makes me feel insecure and gives me anxiety. Maybe somewhere in my subconscious I feel like this is "safe" because I know there has to be an end to the relationship...
True relationships grow. It is a gradual process. In the beginning it is hard to see this clearly.
This time...I am going to try it the other way. This time I am going to give myself to someone that gives themselves back to me and I am going to do it slowly...letting it grow.
See, I was a little different...I was not afraid of committment at all, but I always dated guys who were emotionally unavailable but I gave myself 100% to them...ultimately, led to a lot of heartbreak and it did quite the toll of my self esteem.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't until I started dating Seth and I realized I was going to make him work for it and only give myself emotionally and physically if he does the same that I finally experienced a healthy relationship...
I agree with you 100% Kirie....
ReplyDelete