random thought for a thursday...

I was thinking today about great loves. I listen to my iTunes and it seems that everyone is looking for someone to save them. To make them happy. Someone to love them. Make them feel whole.

Yes I am guilty of this -- read my below posts.

Being in love is a great thing. Having someone think the world of you is amazing. But if you don't love yourself, their love, affection and compliments will never be enough. Putting your self worth in the hands of another is never a good idea.

If you don't worry about your own happiness -- no one else will.

There comes a point in time that you have to learn to love yourself. Make the choice to be happy. Because no one can make you "happy" or make you "whole".

Loving yourself means saying enough is a enough. Standing up for yourself. Knowing that your happiness is important. Because you are worth it.

a moment...

There are moments that change our lives. Defining moments that we know things will never be the same.

Sometimes we bring these moments upon ourselves and others well others are brought on by someone else's choices and decisions.

We have the option and choice as to how we will react and how we will let them affect us. We can fall victim or we can stand up and take control.

I am a people pleaser, I have said it a million times over. I want to make people I care about happy. Even if it means my own misery. I can deal with emotional pain. In fact, I am really good at it. But to see someone I love in pain is more than I can bare. I expect them to let me in. Let me try to help and fix their problems. Never letting them...or anyone in close enough to understand me.

But every once and awhile I will let go. Show my whole heart. My whole self to someone. Or as close as I think I am capable of. I let myself love that person. Though I know it won't last. And  it is usually a harsh and abrupt end.

But I will say in those small moments. I remember something. I remember how good I am with someone else. I remember how it feels to have them look back at me. Being able to see how they feel in their eyes. And for that moment, not being afraid. Completely stripped and vulnerable, not caring because I am safe. Just for that moment. 

Yes it is usually short. But as I have learned...some of the best things in life are moments. And it is these short individual moments that make up the best parts of our lives.

The Process...

"Until the day break, and the shadows flee away" -- Song of Solomon 2:17

I knew I wanted something on my back. But because your spine is your lifeline, the center of your being, and to me symbolizes strength, I though very long and carefully on what I thought it should be.

I was reading one night, and found this line. It is from Song of Solomon 2:17. It is not the full verse, but it really stood out to me (the script used is Hebrew). The wonderful part about scripture is it can mean different things to us at different points in our lives, and I love that I know this verse will grow with me.

It gives me hope in light. Because light will always break through the darkness. Good will always win. Because although at times our lives can feel so dark, and hopeless -- there will always be a time get it gets better, the pain will fade, and you will come out better and stronger....so until then....have faith.

And then...

I have always been one of those people that wants everyone to be happy. I sacrifice my own happiness, hold back, and always explain my actions. I have kept many people in my life that don’t make me happy, bring me down and make me feel less of myself. All of which they claim to do out of caring.

I have found in life that I tend to think I am “done” changing. ThatI have become who I will be. But I think I have come to realize that it is a continuous progression and evolution. My question is, can we really ever go back to who we were? I was told the other day that I needed to go back to being the girl they knew several years ago. And I simply do not think we can. Even if you tried desperately you cannot un-learn and un-experience the things in our lives. Every day, every moment and every decision we make changes who we are, and who we will be. Sometimes this is for the better and others it is just change.

I am jealous of people who can just let others walk out of their lives…I can’t just let go. I fight till there is no fight left, even when I know I shouldn’t.

The biggest lesson I have learned this year – don’t stress. Life is going to come at you. Things are going to change. People leave. And the only person you really need to rely on is you. Because in the end, everyone else can and will let you down at some point. Happiness comes from within….

True friends accept every part of you – even the parts you try to hide. They will sit quietly by you, just because you need someone to be “there”. They never tell you what to do, they love and support you even when they don’t agree with your decision, and they are the first person there to help you gather all the pieces when it doesn’t work out.

עד ההפסקה יום וצל של לברוח משם

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Tattoo...

So I have had a LOT of people ask me about my tattoo -- so here are the answers :)

-- Why "Breathe" -- I kind of explained this a bit above. Most of you have been following my blog since the beginning, so you know some of the things that I went through. Those things are over, and will in some way always be a part of me. But life changes us. It tends to make us stronger when we think we can't make it. I read a quote the other day and I loved it "Strength isn't about how much we can handle until we break. It's about how much you can handle after you break" And sometimes we just have to stop and breathe, take it all in, and realize that it will be okay.  Taking time to breathe can also come in handy when you are mid-anxiety attack --  haha.

-- Location -- This was important to me for a couple of reasons. 1. It is by my heart -- it is very personal, the word, the event, the people.  2. It over my lungs -- you need your lungs to breathe.  3. -- It is supposed to be one of the most painful places to be tattooed, and in a way it represents the pain that I went through. 4. -- it is easy to hide ;) When I am 80 I highly doubt I am going to be wearing a bikini...

-- And lastly -- yes it is real :)

Through life we change. Sometimes we change into the people we are expected to be. And sometimes we become the person that we feel we were always meant to be. People come and go -- sometimes for good, and sometimes they come back. Live with no regret, say what you mean, do what makes you happy -- because if you can't be happy what is the point? And when people tell you that you've changed, it's because you stopped living life their way...remember you are living for you, not for them.

"We should all learn to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets"

So..

I did it -- I did something crazy irrational and impulsive. Well kind of impulsive...

I thought about this for a long time -- and I had debated for a long time.

Over the past almost 2 years there have been so many highs, and so many low lows.

I am just now regaining a relationship that is so very important to me.

A friendship that I though was lost forever.

I can't even begin to describe how much this means to me.

I guess to just simply say that I am so grateful, and blessed is enough.

The one thing that I have learned through this all --

With all the ups and downs of life --

Is to take time to stop and breathe --

This is especially true when you are cursed with anxiety like I am...

So in memory of where I have been, and where I am going, and just to always remember...

The Past...

The past is one of those things that can haunt us. The what if's, the should haves, and things we left un-finished.

But sometimes we don't have a choice. Sometimes fear takes over. And sometimes we aren't given the option.

I live my life with my heart in a box. Or at least I think I have tried to. It's fragile and I really would rather not get it broken again. But I guess there comes a point where you have to stop being afraid. Someone told me trust isn't about another person...Trust is about you...and knowing that when it all falls apart, that you will be okay. Getting hurt sucks. Having your heart broken is one of the most painful experiences. BUT, it does heal, and the pain does fade.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"Love is passion, obsession, someone you can’t live without. If you don’t start with that, what are you going to end up with? Fall head over heels. I say find someone you can love like crazy and who’ll love you the same way back. And how do you find him? Forget your head and listen to your heart. I’m not hearing any heart. Run the risk, if you get hurt, you’ll come back. Because, the truth is there is no sense living your life without this. To make the journey and not fall deeply in love - well, you haven’t lived a life at all. You have to try. Because if you haven’t tried, you haven’t lived."


-- Meet Joe Black

I guess the ultimate goal is finding someone you are head over heels about. And not being afraid to fall, hard and fast. I listen to my head far too much. I worry too much. I pull away too much. Afraid that they may not like me. And because I hold back, I give the impression I don't like the person.

Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid to fall in love. And most of all don't be afraid of what could happen...it will keep you from living your life.