a season of change...

there are a few major things that are going to be changing in my life.

i recently have found foot zoning....

go ahead shake your head, think i'm nuts

it works....

i have:

 healed

realized

found peace

felt anger

relaxed

centered

i am a happy person -

but i have lost my joy

my passion

pleasure...

so a few things are going to change...

i will write more - for me

i will shoot more - of my vision

i will spend time - with myself

i will open my heart - to love

i will go back - to something that scares me

i will stand up for me - no matter what

i will not feel weak - physically, emotionally, spiritually

i will value - myself

"adversity is like a strong wind, it tares from us all of the things that can not be torn. so that we see ourselves as we really are." -- Arthur Golden

unspoken...

raw, ugly, terrifying thoughts

facing a truth, for so long hidden

buried under smiles, laughs, pretty words…

a pain so deep, a cut that never heals

anger masked with pretend forgiveness

emotional scars, words unspoken…

truth hidden beneath makeup

an act perfectly portrayed

smiles and laughter unbroken…

lies, untruths weaved tightly

distorting, destroying worth
 let it go…

truth....

sometimes when we ask a person for the truth we aren't fully prepared for the answer...

when i date someone i ask a lot of random questions

request random bits of information

like what you ask....

"tell me something you normally wouldn't tell me"

and most of the time i am prepared for an answer such as

"i like you more than you think i do"

or

"i once _______"

but generally i do not expect them to tell me about myself

things about myself that i don't even admit...

this is what i got:

"um...i think you are very insecure, but that can be fixed

i think there is a lot you need to let go of in order for you

to actually be happy, because i don't really think you are right now"

happiness is relative - i am happy

but i think he was speaking more in regards to relationships

which i agree

i bond myself to emotionally unavailable men

i see an end - and therefore it is safe

i fill a need they have - and in return i feel wanted

i avoid commitment - or potential of commitment

even though that is what i want...

maybe i just want someone to fight & prove

to make me feel worth it...

or that they actually do want all of me - not just part

i need them to give in - before i think i can

i need to know they are in it...

that it is really all of me that they want

or maybe i need to just let go...

no control

no sensor

just pure emotion...just me

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”
― Sylvia Plath,

words...

sometimes the words will just not come

i look for my thoughts through others words

and wish i could express myself as they do

my love passion obsession lately has been

miss sylvia plath...

she can stir an emotion with a simple sentence

a maze of words that is so simple

so perfect...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

“Perhaps when we find ourselves wanting everything,

it is because we are dangerously close to wanting nothing.”

 

“Yes, I was infatuated with you: I am still. No one has ever heightened such a keen capacity of physical sensation in me. I cut you out because I couldn't stand being a passing fancy. Before I give my body, I must give my thoughts, my mind, my dreams. And you weren't having any of those. ”

 

“I have taken a pill to kill
The thin
Papery feeling.”

 

“I write only because
There is a voice within me
That will not be still”

once upon a time...

i feel like i have so much swimming through my brain

but nothing all at the same time

so this may be a bit all over the place

and perhaps a bit of a rant...

do people believe in true love anymore

in a fairytale...

does that idea of a true love still exists

why are we so okay with a partial love

filling in the gaps with other things

other people... 

once upon a time...

it exists

happily ever after...

i'm not so sure about that part

but to make it through 

you have to believe

in prince charming & white horses

because without it -- it all becomes hopeless

and simply the idea is enough...

faking it...

this last weekend i had an amazing time

there are few times i really let go

living in the moment

letting my emotions be free

few people can truly bring this out in me

my best friend

my wife

a few lovers

my puppies

baby

most times i will only be free when i trust

but once and awhile it's risk

but one i am willing to take

it is usually not worth it

but i have learned to recover quickly...

i took a risk

i had fun

a lot of it

my heart is fine

i think it is numb

and some part of me likes that

i don't want to hurt....again

 i think it would be easier to fake it

all of it

happiness

love

passion

emotion

don't get me wrong...

i am happy...alone

with me

my life

my wife

my friends

the simple life

i do what i want

when i want

with who i want

but something is missing...

my fairytale....

my once upon a time....

and i don't think it exists

but i will still wait

holding on to hope

because without hope

faith

we have nothing...

 and hopefully there will come a time 

when i won't be let down

brushed aside

 they will hold on with all they have

because i am not worth losing

they will chose to stay

and we won't be faking it... 

"and they loved with a love that was more than love" -- Edger Allen Poe

love in a box...

 

it's easy to see how everything is loosely
put into a box to describe how
well it is working
but can you tell me
how did she knock me off of my feet
when she said hello
my name is beautiful
i said excuse me miss but it's time for me to hit the floor

and now this dancing has turned to falling
words can't do justice to this girl i know

and it's those deep breaths that get me through the times
she's standing next to me
she's nothing short of lovely
does she notice that i can't breathe
everything around me is getting hazy

i'll loosen up my tie
no use in being shy

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

under this moonlight
i can see the mystery behind your eyes
with every taste girl, well i delight in you
and yet this distance
that separates my hand from yours
can only make me appreciate your heart
i adore you

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

quiet now, she's fast asleep
and to my arm she's clinging
you're mine girl
and my heart is yours

so take one petal at a time
and toss it to the ground
closer now, i'll touch your lips to mine
and feel how we have to hold our breath
to make sure we don't miss one moment tonight

life...

"My life didn't please me, so I created my life."  - Coco Chanel

i have never understood those that are not happy 

with something, someone

and are not willing to change the circumstance  

if i am not happy 

i change 

move on

progress

i create happiness

strive for contentment

and live for myself

if there is anything i have learned in the last 2 years

it's that no one can make you happy

but happiness is within your own soul

chose to be happy

live and love with reckless abandon

be true to yourself

pain fades

friends come and go

relationships end

but if you love yourself

i promise you'll make it through

no matter the darkness -- light will come

and the light -- it always wins...

so hold on

because it gets better

always...

crazy...

i have said many times that girls are crazy

but this week -- i feel completely insane

i want to crawl out of my skin

and totally lose it

scream at the top of my lungs because i feel like it

cry over nothing and everything all at once

i'm ready to just feel normal again...

"sometimes you fall

spinning through space

grasping for the things that keep you here

sometimes you catch them

sometimes you don't
sometimes they catch you"

- Francesca Lia Block 

- - - - - - - - - - - -

sometimes the things in life we need

are not the same things we want

i find myself grasping

for things, relationships, stability

at what point do we accept

that sometimes what we need

isn't always what we want

sometimes the things we need

are the ones that find us

catch us

it is when they catch us

that we need to hold on for dear life

monsters...

when we are little we are afraid of the unknown

what is under our bed -- in the closet

as we grow, so do our fears...

we still fear the unknown

letting it change us -- afraid to live our lives

afraid of what we are capable of...

we fear our own emotions

needing validation -- for our feelings

we begin to lose ourselves...

becoming our own personal monster...

the unknown is scary

feeling inadequate is terrifying 

finding out who you are -- that is liberating...

true love...

"When words become unclear, I shall focus with photographs.
When images become inadequate, I shall be content with silence."
-Ansel Adams

my first love is to write
my second to shoot

there is something about them
something that makes me whole

a peace that over comes me
providing clarity in a blurry world

so much passion can be found
in simple sentences, moments captured

i want to create images for my words
images of what i long for

peace, passion, love

xoxo

song of the moment...

I don’t know where we’re going
but i know we’ve gone too far and
i hope it isn’t showing
but i think i love you and
i can’t believe you’re leaving
just when i let you in and
when you had me believing
i could feel again

i could give a million reasons
why we should not be friends
our moods change like the seasons
when my mood ends your mood begins and
you’re a tease, you’re a cockblocker,
you’re a loudmouth bitch, and a big talker,
but that’s okay
you’ll grow up someday

chorus
you’re the pill i never wanted to take—
an anti-misanthrope
mine was the heart i never thought you would break
my one hope was that i’d survive you

i’ve shown up for you
in ways that boy never would
but i know you’ll go back to him and
maybe you should, but
i hope you don’t go backwards
cuz i’m going on ahead and
one day you’ll wish that you had
stuck with me instead

chorus

as i wander through union square
i remember when you followed me there
you were the stalker i kinda wanted to have
being your half-boyfriend was only half bad

cake...

in my line of work i see a lot of cakes
but this has more to do with having your cake
and eating it too....

why is it human nature to want it all
even if we have all we need
we still have the need for more...

when will it be enough
will just one-someone ever be enough
for some....

one love
one heart

one goal
one life

to share...

that is enough for me...



fairytale...

"i don't want a story, i want the fairytale"

i see so many stories

they appear so perfect

whirl wind romance

passionately, reckless love...

i have felt that kind of love

it never lasts...

i have this vision of how it should be

but with time, it fades

i'm not sure it exists...

people fall out of love

as quickly as they fell in

engagements lasting longer then marriages

marriages plagued with emotional and physical affairs...

is unconditional love too much to as for

a safe place from the rest of the world

or are we searching

searching for something that no longer exists...

new chapter or a new book...

"do i start a whole new book with someone else, or do i start a new chapter in an old book with my ex?"

Funny how there is a tweet for everything you could possibly be going through in your life...

There are people in life that you know so well can not see for years -- and when you see them, it is as though no time has passed. You pick up and just go on. But very rarely there is someone who will surprise you. And they will change so much, that it is like meeting a completely new and different person.

My ex is one of those people. We talk and I just stare with a puzzled look on my face, because the person that sits in front of me is in fact the same person I dated for 2 years...but is no where close to the person that I was with.

You see our relationship was really good when it was good. And really bad when it was bad. He was my first real love. We were young, he took me for granted, and I let him. And one day I woke up in our bed, and I decided it needed to end. We were going no where.

It wasn't until we broke up that we finally told each other that we loved one another. And I was heart broken for years. And I now I know so was he. I stayed single, he jumped into another relationship. I guess we all cope differently.

When I love, I love completely....recklessly.

So now he is back. Wanting a second chance to make everything right that was so wrong. And to be honest I don't know how I feel about it all. There were reasons we broke up, and most of them are not valid at this point. But one is. One very important one.

It will take time -- because right now my heart isn't ready to love. But when the time comes, is this a bridge that I should cross? Or are some things better left unknown?

stability...

i tend to get too caught up in life

running around trying to do it all at once

i forget to take time to breathe...

we all need time for ourselves

i find it easier to put that time and energy into others

leaving my life in a state of chaos...

i need stability or something the resembles it...

i think this is a trait my significant other should hold

i'm obviously NOT good at balance

stability...

but in an effort to balance
i am taking more time for me
time to write...

time to just be...

i need...

i need to get away....

do something interesting....

something adventurous....

i need a break...

from life...

drama...

i need grounding...

spiritually...

emotionally...

i need hope...

in more...

in people...

with light comes dark...

with the joy comes misery...

with love comes pain...

we cannot choose what happens to us -- we can only choose how we will react

 no matter how dark it gets

 no matter the misery

or the pain we feel

there is always an end...

sometimes we just have to make that choice...

random thought for a thursday...

I was thinking today about great loves. I listen to my iTunes and it seems that everyone is looking for someone to save them. To make them happy. Someone to love them. Make them feel whole.

Yes I am guilty of this -- read my below posts.

Being in love is a great thing. Having someone think the world of you is amazing. But if you don't love yourself, their love, affection and compliments will never be enough. Putting your self worth in the hands of another is never a good idea.

If you don't worry about your own happiness -- no one else will.

There comes a point in time that you have to learn to love yourself. Make the choice to be happy. Because no one can make you "happy" or make you "whole".

Loving yourself means saying enough is a enough. Standing up for yourself. Knowing that your happiness is important. Because you are worth it.

a moment...

There are moments that change our lives. Defining moments that we know things will never be the same.

Sometimes we bring these moments upon ourselves and others well others are brought on by someone else's choices and decisions.

We have the option and choice as to how we will react and how we will let them affect us. We can fall victim or we can stand up and take control.

I am a people pleaser, I have said it a million times over. I want to make people I care about happy. Even if it means my own misery. I can deal with emotional pain. In fact, I am really good at it. But to see someone I love in pain is more than I can bare. I expect them to let me in. Let me try to help and fix their problems. Never letting them...or anyone in close enough to understand me.

But every once and awhile I will let go. Show my whole heart. My whole self to someone. Or as close as I think I am capable of. I let myself love that person. Though I know it won't last. And  it is usually a harsh and abrupt end.

But I will say in those small moments. I remember something. I remember how good I am with someone else. I remember how it feels to have them look back at me. Being able to see how they feel in their eyes. And for that moment, not being afraid. Completely stripped and vulnerable, not caring because I am safe. Just for that moment. 

Yes it is usually short. But as I have learned...some of the best things in life are moments. And it is these short individual moments that make up the best parts of our lives.

The Process...

"Until the day break, and the shadows flee away" -- Song of Solomon 2:17

I knew I wanted something on my back. But because your spine is your lifeline, the center of your being, and to me symbolizes strength, I though very long and carefully on what I thought it should be.

I was reading one night, and found this line. It is from Song of Solomon 2:17. It is not the full verse, but it really stood out to me (the script used is Hebrew). The wonderful part about scripture is it can mean different things to us at different points in our lives, and I love that I know this verse will grow with me.

It gives me hope in light. Because light will always break through the darkness. Good will always win. Because although at times our lives can feel so dark, and hopeless -- there will always be a time get it gets better, the pain will fade, and you will come out better and stronger....so until then....have faith.

And then...

I have always been one of those people that wants everyone to be happy. I sacrifice my own happiness, hold back, and always explain my actions. I have kept many people in my life that don’t make me happy, bring me down and make me feel less of myself. All of which they claim to do out of caring.

I have found in life that I tend to think I am “done” changing. ThatI have become who I will be. But I think I have come to realize that it is a continuous progression and evolution. My question is, can we really ever go back to who we were? I was told the other day that I needed to go back to being the girl they knew several years ago. And I simply do not think we can. Even if you tried desperately you cannot un-learn and un-experience the things in our lives. Every day, every moment and every decision we make changes who we are, and who we will be. Sometimes this is for the better and others it is just change.

I am jealous of people who can just let others walk out of their lives…I can’t just let go. I fight till there is no fight left, even when I know I shouldn’t.

The biggest lesson I have learned this year – don’t stress. Life is going to come at you. Things are going to change. People leave. And the only person you really need to rely on is you. Because in the end, everyone else can and will let you down at some point. Happiness comes from within….

True friends accept every part of you – even the parts you try to hide. They will sit quietly by you, just because you need someone to be “there”. They never tell you what to do, they love and support you even when they don’t agree with your decision, and they are the first person there to help you gather all the pieces when it doesn’t work out.

עד ההפסקה יום וצל של לברוח משם

‎

Tattoo...

So I have had a LOT of people ask me about my tattoo -- so here are the answers :)

-- Why "Breathe" -- I kind of explained this a bit above. Most of you have been following my blog since the beginning, so you know some of the things that I went through. Those things are over, and will in some way always be a part of me. But life changes us. It tends to make us stronger when we think we can't make it. I read a quote the other day and I loved it "Strength isn't about how much we can handle until we break. It's about how much you can handle after you break" And sometimes we just have to stop and breathe, take it all in, and realize that it will be okay.  Taking time to breathe can also come in handy when you are mid-anxiety attack --  haha.

-- Location -- This was important to me for a couple of reasons. 1. It is by my heart -- it is very personal, the word, the event, the people.  2. It over my lungs -- you need your lungs to breathe.  3. -- It is supposed to be one of the most painful places to be tattooed, and in a way it represents the pain that I went through. 4. -- it is easy to hide ;) When I am 80 I highly doubt I am going to be wearing a bikini...

-- And lastly -- yes it is real :)

Through life we change. Sometimes we change into the people we are expected to be. And sometimes we become the person that we feel we were always meant to be. People come and go -- sometimes for good, and sometimes they come back. Live with no regret, say what you mean, do what makes you happy -- because if you can't be happy what is the point? And when people tell you that you've changed, it's because you stopped living life their way...remember you are living for you, not for them.

"We should all learn to live before we get too old. Fear is stupid. So are regrets"

So..

I did it -- I did something crazy irrational and impulsive. Well kind of impulsive...

I thought about this for a long time -- and I had debated for a long time.

Over the past almost 2 years there have been so many highs, and so many low lows.

I am just now regaining a relationship that is so very important to me.

A friendship that I though was lost forever.

I can't even begin to describe how much this means to me.

I guess to just simply say that I am so grateful, and blessed is enough.

The one thing that I have learned through this all --

With all the ups and downs of life --

Is to take time to stop and breathe --

This is especially true when you are cursed with anxiety like I am...

So in memory of where I have been, and where I am going, and just to always remember...